Anonymous screens and breakfast cereals

Here’s what Julian thinks we’re all eating:

porridge

The monkeys, in particular, are tucking in with relish. They’ve decided that since they’re imaginary in the first place (and thus could only throw imaginary dog-shit, Mr Policeman!), they don’t mind helping themselves to some imaginary porridge.

Personally, a breakfast like that would send me into carbohydrate shock, so I’m continuing this weary life on the run, ducking and diving like a ducky-divey thing, jumping at every shadow and trying my level best not to let the police know that I’ve hidden myself appropriately on the island of Foula.

Oh, damn. Monkeys, pack your bags again!

Now, on to more important matters.

Julian, my computer screen is not anonymous. It says ‘DELL’ on it, quite clearly – even someone with your limited interest in reading should be able to make the letters out.

And on that note, it’s time for me to reach for my marigold gloves and take up my well-thumbed copy of Buggered Clots once again. How far had we got?

Ah, yes. Page nine.

We lost three good monkeys there. They just couldn’t work out where to begin. Julian puts so much of himself into his writing – take, for example, ‘At first Lise was constantly faced with weird looks and despair each time she spoke.’ Oh, the humanity. Julian knows exactly how she felt. I mean, it takes a lot to make someone plunge into despair just because you’re talking to them, but Julian holds public meetings (and other people come to some of them) – he’s fine-tuned his art.

Incidentally, ‘at first’ and ‘constantly’ don’t play very well together, Jules – because they both describe time, you see. Just a little ‘heads up’ for you there.

‘There were the occasional smiles though even if these were tainted with narrowness and ignorance.’ Er… even if these were tainted with narrowness and ignorance what? It is tragic (or do I mean bathetic?) that on one of the few occasions when Julian does what we would like him to do more often, and leaves the commas out entirely, he so desperately needed a couple. ‘There were the occasional smiles, though, even if these were tainted’ would be intelligible, Julian. You want the ‘though’ to be an interruption – if you allow it to become part of the following phrase, you get ‘though even if’, which then requires some kind of a conclusion.

‘Early on she decided that her son would receive all the initial years of learning he required from her.’

So, Lise is going to teach Kristian herself.

‘Although she had little faith in the rough and basic schools on offer, she insisted he attend.’ What, all of them? Er, so that his mother can give him ‘all the initial years of learning he required’? Was she moonlighting as a teacher in some of these rough and basic schools, then?

A suspicion is brewing in the minds of my beloved monkeys.

The kind of suspicion that is no sooner uttered than it becomes a raging certainty.

Julian doesn’t just avoid reading books by real authors.

He also (and entirely understandably) avoids reading what he’s written himself.

We should have another poll.

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135 Comments

Filed under The Society for the Preservation of Commas

135 responses to “Anonymous screens and breakfast cereals

  1. welshnot

    These are superb readings of the Ruck writing style: a style designed to read as if it had been written by an amnesiac 12 year old in a hurry (but to get where? he can’t remember), and yet toiled (do I mean ‘toileted’? Perhaps in this case yes I do) over for hours.

    • Toileted over for hours. Yes, I think you’re probably right about that.

      • Despite Julian saying PC Ap Plod are treating his investigation to critique of his writing and dubious character, I have yet to hear from Dyfed Powys Police’ Special Branch For Blog Posts.
        I can’t believe he thinks they would actually investigate him!
        I am on Radio Cardiff this Thursday discussing art and culture in Wales and think that, afterwards, I might pop into the Kymin for a beverage or two with a few friends. Apparently one of Wales’ bestselling authors is going to be there dispensing tips on how to write.
        I’ll bring along my friend who just won the Terry Hetherington prize for young writers (privately funded, for the minority that care) and see if he can learn a thing or two about awful punctuation and grammar.
        Alas my friend, your poor, poor imaginary monkeys. Truthfully, if an imaginary RSPCA exited, you would be top of the list!
        His blog posts are bad enough, take (err) ’50 Shades Of Oral B’. Don’t know where to begin with this one frankly.

        http://julianruck.wordpress.com/2013/03/05/50-shades-of-oral-b/

        Then he starts lying about police investigations that aren’t happening. Not only does he lie, he writes about it awfully, mixing American stereotypes with Victoriana in the first paragraph. He is a plonker.

        http://julianruck.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/all-credit-to-dyfed-powys-police/

        So I will take a small mercy and unburden the monkeys with sharing the most bewildering closing paragraph of any book. Ever. This is from the tome ‘Inheritance Lost’, the worst book I have ever read. And I have read it, dipped in and out, page at a time.

        ‘Myfanwy was sitting on top of a sand dune watching her daughter and Kristian walk along the seashore. They often came back to the Cliffs at weekends, there was more life for Angharad. More boys. Myfanwy looked at her battle-scarred veteran. The cantankerous old bastard who was now truly her man held out their hands and tightened around her heart. She had never stopped loving him. In all the years that had gone by her daily thoughts had been flavoured by Kristian’s touch. A touch that was sometimes angry, sometimes gentle. Each and every day he had lingered somewhere deep inside her.’

        Sweet lord. Sorry for those of a sensitive literary disposition. Never has a book been ended so badly. He needs an editor. Is that a good suggestion for a new poll?

  2. Ross BNP

    John, that isn’t the worst, he’s written stuff way shittier than this even – you’re just sparing us the full horrors and helping entice new readers to this site by breaking them in gently, the way one starts tomorrow’s crackheads on today’s cannabis. The difference is, thank God, his writing isn’t addictive, except to those addicted to self-punishment and those who hate the poor English language and like to see it tortured.
    Thank you Jewels and John for bringing this Ruckian grotesquerie to the attention of a passing stranger.

  3. Ross BNP

    Here is an extract from today’s Ruck post, in which contemplates offering himself as a tutor in creative writing:

    “This business of creative writing tempts (and a business it has certainly become), but the problem is, how does one ‘create’ a narrative from you either can or you can’t?”

    Can the Monkeys help with this: “but the problem is, how does one ‘create’ a narrative from you either can or you can’t?” What the Ruck?

    Any, suggestions welcome.

  4. Ross BNP

    I’m delighted I, found this site. And I’m, really getting the, hang of it, right down to the, special writing proto,cols. Thank you Jewels.

  5. welshnot

    I’ve tried to help Julian out in his latest blog post attacking creative writing degrees, in which he asks if Dickens et al ever went on these course. No, they didn’t, but here below is a list of those who did (and this is just those from one creative writing MA):

    No they didn’t attend a creative writing course, but then again Ian McEwen, Kazuo Ishiguro, Owen Sheers, Joe Dunthorne, Anne Enright, Andrew Miller (just won the Costa), and literally dozens of other prizewinning writers did.
    Your point exactly, Julian?

  6. Ruck the Iconoclast, will be blowing the lid off the Creative Writing industry this Thursday.

    To all you aspiring writers out there, ask yourselves this, before you fork out thousands of pounds – did Shakespeare, Milton,Wordsworth,Dickens,Conrad, Somerset Maughan, Rushdie, Will Self, D H Lawrence, Hardy……..ever attend a ‘creative writing’ course?

    Did they hell!

    JR

    Ruck the iconoclast? Is this a joke? After his roaring success at the Diplomat I feel as though his, ego, has gotten, the. Better OF HIM! Utterly discreditted!!!!!!! Though I am going, good times will be had by all!

    JA

  7. welshnot

    Julian’s comments today on Creative Writing are magic, and I recommend them to anyone who’s interested in writing… comedy.

  8. Oh sweet lord Julian’s latest is a tour de force in terrible writing! If I hadn’t of met him I would think him a spoof. Don’t really know where to start on this one as I have no monkeys at my disposal, but I will try. I have borrowed my neighbours cat.

    ‘Well, my own stuff has been known to sell a bit, so I suppose I must be doing something right. Humble scribbler I may be, but I reckon I have some idea on how to write a novel.

    Having said this, the best creative writing tutor of all is a book, and plenty of ‘em.’

    Julian your books don’t sell. ‘I may be, but’, no comma needed there. If you are dispensing advice on writing I would write ‘them’ as opposed to ’em’.

    ‘In my view, you either can or you can’t and that’s that.’

    No comma after view and no apostrophe in ‘that’s’. Heed your own advice, Julian.

    ‘Not all the training in the world is going to make it great, if it isn’t already there. You get my point.’

    Reads horribly and the comma after ‘great’ should not be there.

    Now onto his advice which is sometimes contrary and shockingly written.

    ‘3 Don’t try and show how clever you are with words. You might understand what you’re on about but the reader won’t. Most of the classics wouldn’t last five minutes in the modern reading world. Pages and pages of smart arse description and esoteric self-analysis will simply bore your average reader to death.’

    Oh my… Can it get worse? Does Julian think more people read him than say, Hemingway or Conrad?

    ‘5 Dump all the technical nonsense. Most writers, including me, haven’t a clue about characterisation, structure blah de blah.Write for the reader if you want to get published, not for yourself. There’s nothing worse than self-piteous reams of woe is me or ‘literary excellence’ that is unreadable – I am reminded here of D H Lawrence’s constant bleatings about sunrises and sunsets.’

    Remarkably it got worse! ‘Theres’, Julian, not ‘There’s’. After his vicious campaign on the comma it is now the poor apostrophe that is his new enemy! Very revealing remarks on characterisation, good to hear it from the horses mouth.

    ‘And by the way, since when has writing ever operated by a rule book??’

    Then why are you writing what may be perceived as rules dear fellow? One question mark not two, looks hysterical on the screen or page.

    ‘6 Get your hands dirty. Offend, insult and throw your story in people’s’ faces. Remember, we wouldn’t have a democracy if it wasn’t for outspoken truth alchemists.’

    Peoples not ‘people’s’. The poor apostrophe weeps into it’s bosom! Not really sure what an ‘outspoken truth alchemist’ is but it is so bad I commend it in the same way I commend dubbed 70’s Kung Fu films. Or Charlie Sheen in his meltdown period. I hope you never change Julian, or learn how to write!

    ‘7 Forget inspiration.’

    I am a fairly creative person and inspiration, as unquantifiable as it is, is really rather important.

    ‘9 Don’t take your writing too seriously. Life really is too short, and for God’s sake don’t be precious and self-important about it – there’s enough of that deluded and self-serving garbage around as it is. Like me, you’re nothing to write home about, so if you write a duff ‘un, get over it and start again.’

    I think if you purport to be a writer JUlian, you should take it fairly seriously dear chap..

    ‘Well, there’s some hints, it’s up to you.’

    Julian stop flogging the poor, defenceless apostrophe! Hasn’t it been through enough? Jewels the comma has in you a defender, can this be extended to the apostrophe?

    ‘Frankly, I reckon it takes two or three novels in order to hone one’s craft and find a style that one is confident with. But that’s just me. Thank God, every writer is different!’

    Argh! The comma, the apostrophe, have mercy on them please Julian? The neighbours cat has just died. Long live the neighbours cat!

    ‘And here’s a funny thing, I haven’t read any fiction myself for years, commercial or otherwise. Non-fiction books line my study walls – with a smattering of the classics just to show visitors how clever and learned I am.’

    Is this supposed to be tongue in cheek? Clever and learned? Julian you are one of the most deeply philistine men I have ever known.

    ‘So, hope you have enjoyed the above and just think, it hasn’t cost you a penny!’

    No it hasn’t cost a penny because it is even shitter than your 1p wank fests you call novels.

    ‘NB In my view, all these creative writing courses do, is exploit the naive aspirations of the uninitiated and ever hopeful.’

    Okay Julian, having posted this a few days previously….

    ‘PS I’m thinking of doing a Masters Degree in Creative Writing at Aberystwyth University, myself. I’d have some fun if nothing else, somehow though I don’t think they would have me, not well educated enough apparently and too much of a troublemaker – I’ve been known to pass the odd ‘O’ Level with a grade one or two as well!’

    …you come across as a somewhat daft hypocrite. Is this new attack because Aber (a good course) turned you down?

    ‘A book, whether it be print or electronic, can serve the aspiring writer just as well, and libraries serve up shelves upon shelves of these at no cost to the reader!’

    Libraries are tax payer funded so why can’t writers have small grants?

    ‘Further and perhaps more to the point, a great many ‘Creative Writing’ tutors, have little if any experience of the harsh realities of the publishing game, so God knows what qualifies them to teach the subject? And as for the cosy tax-payer subsidised lot, well words fail me………….once again, money for old rope if you ask me.’

    After flogging the poor apostrophe to death in front of it’s children, Julian attacks the old enemy, the humble comma! That first sentence, ouch. I beg to differ about creative writing tutors, having known a few personally. I know a best-selling one who lives down the road. Yet again Julian espousing wisdom on something he knows nothing about.

    One cat dead, the apostrophe brutally murdered and the comma lying wounded in the gutter; was it worth it Julian? All the unnecessary suffering to prove your illiteracy?

    • not sure, if it’s’ cover’d later,or, not, but……..back in my day’s in school, we got “‘A’ to ‘C’s” to “pass” ‘O’ level’s’ —- “‘grade one’s or two’s” were for cSe’s’…….

  9. Ross B-P

    What a lot of rot, absolute giberish the lot of it. It would appear that the latter slurpers have put down their Iphones and Ipads for long enough to set their keyboards on fire with more of this non-sense, think-tank, Communist dribble. Julian Ruck does’t claim to be William Shakespeare (unlike the taxpayer funded Welsh elite who have delusions to grandeur that even Hyecynth Boquet would baulk at!) but what he does prove is that a good story well told is a hit with the Great British public (and yes that is what you all are like it or not British no matter what the slimes down the Bay of Prats want you to think). So you can keep on knit-picking and twisting his words, but mark my words Julian Ruck is not going anywhere, if anything he is taking it further and selling more books and continuing to be in demand to read to audiences in Britain (Penarth being just one example). Please end this vitriol, my head is literally spinning with how much time you must spend obsessing and pontificating. Ross BP.

  10. welshnot

    Ross, this is beautiful. Thank you. Keep it up.

    • Ross B-P

      Being sarcastic is the lowest form of whit… suits you down to the ground! but do tell me what makes you Judge, Jury and Extoller of what is right and wrong. Have you ever written a single book let alone a best selling series? Perhaps you are one of The Embittered, the mocha-mediocrities? Sad. Ross BP

  11. welshnot

    ‘lowest form of whit’? lovely.

    • Whit’s the lowest form of what? Er, sorry, I mean what’s the lowest form of whit? I think Ross may have decided to get his work proofread by an owl, which is why it’s improved recently.

      • The Dalai Lama

        Ross is totally illiterate it’s simply amazing. Barely a clause goes by without spelling or grammatical errors. Where are these ruckian sales figures Ross? Ruck’s books are the graveyards of English and the best thing to be said for them is that no one buys them.

  12. Ross B-P

    Dalai Lama (AKA Keyboard Warrior) how can I be illiterate? You can see my typing and it is of decent standard. Perhaps it doesn’t meet your Sad Sack level, maybe, you have been wandering the corridors of the Welsh Litterati Elite for to long? Tell me, what have you ever contributed to the book buying public at large? Written a best selling series? Held sell out talks at Prominent Locations around Britain? Ross.

    • Good Lord. Ross, dear boy, who on earth told you your typing is ‘of decent standard’ (sic)? Ask for your money back, and use Grammarly.com instead. Unless your first language is German, in which case I congratulate you. Now, these ‘sell out’ talks – did they, like the recent talk in Llanelli, only have two tickets available? Oh, and where are your father figure’s books listed as ‘best selling’?

      • Ross B-P

        What ARE you on about? Sight me incidents where my typing is not of decent standard and by decent I don’t mean the kind of antiquated flowery non-sense that gets passed around the Litteratti set as ‘literary’. Talk about a way to turn off (non-existent) readers! I think you’ll find that between forty and fifty people were in attendance in Lanethli, proving perhaps that Julian Ruck reaches all parts of Britain from wales to Bristol to London. Please don’t smear, it makes you appear a Bitter Brit. Ross.

      • Oh, the humanity! Poor, dear boy. I think your head must still be spinning literally – it would explain some of the difficulties you have. Taking your last comment alone:

        ‘Sight me incidents’. Sight is a noun, dear heart. You can catch sight of something, but you can’t order someone ‘to sight’ something. That would be a thing called a verb. If you don’t know the difference between a noun and a verb, your GCSE English teacher ought to be thoroughly ashamed.

        ‘of decent standard’ – this should be ‘of a decent standard’.

        ‘Non-sense’ – no, the word you’re probably thinking of is ‘nonsense’.

        Litteratti – no, the word you’re probably thinking of is ‘Literati’. You’re going to run out of Ts soon.

        Wales should be capitalised, and you’re shaky on Llanelli – but those may be deliberate, since you seem to think that sneering at things to do with Wales makes you seem clever, you silly sausage.

        But it’s not just a thorough inability to deal with the very basics of correct English – you also have a confused enough sense of logic to be (as indeed you probably are) Julian Ruck himself. Why would anyone worry about ‘turning off’ readers that are ‘non-existent’?!

        And finally (for this particular set of four semi-literate lines of text from you) it seems you’re a cheeky little fibber. 40 or 50 were at the Diplomat? You card! 4 or 5, you mean, as the hotel staff confirmed.

        I do hope this helps you work on your use of the written (or typed!) word. In summary, you confuse nouns with verbs, have regular trouble spelling correctly, use hyphens incorrectly, produce illogical statements, and tell lies. Uncannily similar to Julian!

        Now, weren’t you going to provide proof of Julian Ruck’s sales figures, or refer us to any best-selling lists that include his work?

    • http://johnabell.blogspot.co.uk/

      Julian never has, Ross, as he is a naughty man. Fraud in writing, fraud in life.

      • http://johnabell.blogspot.co.uk/

        Alas, via phone call, the Kymin had no Ruck visitors. A sad day

        But life goes on. But Julian, you have questions to answer you horrible chap you.

  13. Edwin Hilliard

    Ross, you’re a darling: Ruck has no audience yesterday in Penarth, and in Llanelli he has himself, his wife and two others.
    Your English a superlatively shit, and you still haven’t come up with any evidence for Julian’s ‘sales’, though if it comes from the same place as your claim of an audience of 40 or 50 people in ‘Llanethli’ (love it!), then I think that says it all.
    Monkeys: there’s a fine corrective on his blog today about creative writing, and I’m surprised the bugger put it up because it makes him look like a cock.

    • Ross B-P

      Let us address this clearly and with the minimum off fuss.

      It is a Fact that in Lanethli there were between forty and fifty people in attendance. A rudimentary search will demonstrate this. Stop smearing.

      It is a Fact that Julian Ruck has attended events in other part of Cardiff such as Penarth and Landav that have been witnessed by considerable numbers. Again, a rudimentary search will demonstrate this. Stop smearing.

      ‘John Abell’ you are sailing perilously Close To The Wind with your insinuations. Stop smearing.

      And lo, for all the talk of Truth and Honesty, is it any surprise that not a single Keyboard Warrior (yes I am literally looking at you Dali Lama) has come out with any of their own achievements. Julian Ruck has NEVER said that he is above criticism, but where are these people when presented with Facts? Written a best selling (look it up, it’s easy to find, or maybe call the offices at the London Broadsheets, they’ll confirm it) novel? By all means Pipe Up, but otherwise maybe just stick to your mocha-hypocricys. Sad, why do I waste my time? Ross BP

      • Oh, you are funny, JuliRoss!

        A rudimentary search on Google for ‘diplomat hotel julian ruck talk’ brings back two results from Julian’s own sites (he deleted the blog post, but has up until now forgotten to delete it from his ‘signings’ and ‘events’ lists!), and then four results from this blog. What rudimentary search did you do that showed the ‘FACTS’ to be otherwise? Please link to it.

        By the way, you don’t need a capital letter for ‘fact’. That’s how German works, not English. Are you German, or semi-literate?

        Yes, let’s talk about book sales. He hasn’t sold over 7000 copies in Wales – you’re being very silly. Again, what ‘rudimentary search’ shows otherwise? A Google search for ‘julian ruck book sales’ has this blog in first place at the moment, and some other references to his lack of figures, but nothing about selling 7000 copies of anything. So, what ‘search’ did you do? Or was it the well-known and ever popular ‘make it up’ search?!

  14. Edwin Hilliard

    Ross , you are Ruck aren’t you? It seems obvious that you have the same appalling grammar, you lie about Llanelli (I phoned the hotel – there were 2 people 15 minutes it), and you lie about everything else too – the bestselling stuff etc. The Broadsheets have no record of anything by Ruck being on any bestseller list, and nor have any of the other outlets – Novelrank, WHSmith’s charts, The Bookseller and Nielsen’s – any record of Ruck selling even in the top 500 books at any one time.
    His books are not available in any shops, and though you can get them online, the amazon charts record him as having sold 4 copies of the blenched briefs since September through them. That was probably to himself.
    So, again: show us your evidence for his audiences and his sales.
    Why you so tetchy about John’s comments? In what way is he sailing close to the wind? How would you know unless you were yourself the Ruckmeister in disguise?
    Very odd, Ross BP, very odd indeed.

    • Ross B-P

      Edwin, you speak utter tripe.

      The London Broadsheets DO know Julian Ruck he has been written about over the spectrum from the Telegraph to the Guardian (who published well done to them actually a Full Apology when some nobody tried to Smear him in their paper). He is the man the BBC call to discuss literary matters in Wales (perhaps one reason why the Smugs in Cardiff are so wound up?)

      You talk about Lanethli well were you there? I wasn’t but I know seven people who were and they all said the same (even the ones who aren’t convinced by all of Julian Ruck’s arguments) that there were between forty and fifty people in attendance. Your ‘evidence’ is dubious and smacks of deceit (and you know it).

      Let’s talk about book sales. A rudimentary (get a dictionary) search shows that he has sold over 7000 copies in Wales alone, this doesn’t even include other British regions such as the Midlands or the North West.

      As for ‘John Abell’ (or should that be ‘Un-able’) he is Sailing Close to the Wind by mentioning fraud a subtle dig a quiet smear but the kind that won’t go unnoticed as the investigation into the bullying proceeds. I would be carfull. Ross BP

  15. welshnot

    Ross, or Julian, you’re a liar: The Guardian did not publish an apology, the Diplomat Hotel said that 4 people were there, and this 15 minutes into the so-called ‘talk’, and there is no evidence whatsoever of the book sales you mention because, quite simply, they do not exist: the traditional means of assessing book sales (mentioned by Edwin above) show Ruck’s novels to have been largely invisible to the public in a variety of sales formats: amazon, e-sales, bookshop sales etc.
    He is also not , as he claimed, represented by Nurnberg, and he was, as he at first denied, rejected by Welsh publishers. He is self-published, and one glance at the books tells us why.
    The internet is also littered with bigoted comments he has made about minority cultures, which he then denies , and he censors his blog so that anyone who corrects him has no say.
    So Julian/Ross, let’s see your stats and figures and your sources.

    • Ross B-P

      YES, the Guardian DID publish a full and frank apology for the Smear by Grimfaced Lewd-is, you can look the article up and see for your self!

      Where can I read that the ‘Diplomat Hotel’ (i.e. your sordid mind running wild) stated that only four people were there? Truth is, as I said, friends of mine who literally do not agree with all of Julian Ruck’s opinions confirmed the attendance as between forty and fifty. Why would THEY lie?

      The sales figures speak for themselves. Use any reputable sauce and it should be clear enough. I am certain that if the Telegraph didn’t think he was Best Selling then they wouldn’t publish and approve of his cause?

      Where are the Best Sellers here? No I am being to kind the reality is that this is a haven for the Dingy Dwellers of the Machiato-Mafiosa, who are not interested, in actual novels that people might want to read only tax payer funded drivel about bus timetables.

      Whether it’s Lanethli, Landav, Bristol, Somerset, London – anywhere in these Great British Isles, the public want VFM from their taxes not some Bolshevik state of Gravy Trains. Well the Tide Is Turning. Mark these words. Ross BP

  16. Edwin Hilliard

    I see the problem Ross: you’ve been checking sauces, I’ve been checking sources.
    The Guardian didn’t publish an apology, they published a clarification that Lewis and Ruck were using different figures form different ‘sauces’ (as you put it). There is no apology – look it up.

  17. Edwin Hilliard

    Ross, here is my ‘sauce’ for telling you that you’re lying about The Guardian’s “full and frank apology”. The ‘sauce’ is in fact the article itself.
    Look in vain for the word ‘apology’:
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/04/welsh-language-books-subsidies-grants
    How much more barefaced lying can you do , Ross?

    • Julian Ross this is getting very silly indeed now. Just show us some sales figures that no one has seen? Are they there, do they exist? If you have sold 7000 copies (in Wales alone!) then presumably you would have been in the Times best seller list at some point? But you are not and have never been! Can you patch this one up for us, show us some compelling evidence? But you cannot, when prompted, because it simply is not in existence. What fo you say to that?

  18. Edwin Hilliard

    WBC produce sales figures for the top 10, 20 and over books sold in Wales. Ruck has never featured in any one of those lists, going back 10 years.

  19. welshnot

    Here is today’s jewel, Jewels, and I am baffled by it:

    “Anyway, the group I spoke with, were interesting, interested (damn, I just love the odd tautology, if only to give my critics a chance to show how clever they are, when they point it out!) and seemed pleased to have me in for a chat.”

    This puzzled me, I must say. ‘Interested’ and ‘interesting’ mean different things, and cannot therefore be tautologous. OK, they do sound a bit the same, but is Ruck such a shit writer that he thinks that words that sound similar or use the same verb as base must mean the same thing (this explains a lot about his writing, of course)? If so, then really we are dealing with one of the worst writers on the internet, let alone in the world of fiction. Case closed.

    Ah, but is it? No sooner had I snapped shut the steamer trunk of Ruck’s illiteracies than another, darker thought came to me:

    Is the great man toying with us? sending us off on a tautology hunt where there is none, simply in order to confound us, and to challenge us to point out his tautology by informing him it isn’t a tautology at all? It’s doing my head in, it’s like dealing with Derrida. Ruck pulls the rug of all you know, all our Western certainties, from under our very feet. This sort of thing makes his work with commas – amply demonstrated in this extract, incidentally – look like small fry. He is after bigger fish now: the very relationship between language and the world, language and ourselves.

    Ross? Gillian? Can you help us here?

    • I think this question is perhaps better answered by Gill, she is a writing tutor after all! For my money, the most difficult since Stein but far more entertaining.
      Ross cannot answer this question with his direct style. He is the writing equivalent of a limbless crocodile.
      Ross is Julian though. Has to be, as I do not think Julian would comment on, or publish his sales figures on, this blog. But I think it would clear things up no end if Jules released them for scrutiny.
      Julian Derrida! Release your figures? Debate? Are you lying, if not prove it?

  20. Ross B-P

    This is getting bloody ridiculous now. For the last time regarding sales figures it is, a fact that: Julian Ruck sold in excess of 7000 in Wales alone. Proof? What part of ‘rudimentary word search’ don’t you understand?
    Just pathetic don’t you have anything better to do than keep up this pathetic campaign of vitriol and bilge? Dribblers, sadsacks and no bodies. What is wrong with civilised discussion but oh no all you can do is take Pot Shots at a success story (we need more Julian Rucks’ in Wales not less). Ross BP.

  21. welshnot

    Well, John, that seems to have shut Ross (Ruck?) up for the moment, but what’s depressing about this is that he’ll not only abuse people like Gwyneth Lewis personally but tell lies about what she wrote and what the Guardian actually printed. It’s baffling that this man is willing to lie about what can actually be checked up within a matter of minutes. ‘Full and frank apology’ , when checked, turns out to be an additional sentence at the end (a ‘clarification’, to quote the Guardian, about where Ruck and Lewis get their figures from). The word ‘apology’ does not occur anywhere in the text, except in Ruck’s fantasy. despite this, and despite the ease with which we can check, Ross (Ruck?) still lies about it.

    • But Ross (Ruck) the only source is Julian (yourself) who is the most unreliable source imaginable.
      He (you) has proved to be unreliable again and again, constantly lying about successful talks, apologies, plagiarism etc that he (you) cannot be trusted to dispense truthful information!
      Do you not see why myself and others would feel this way?
      I went to a lovely reading by Gwyneth Lewis around 3 weeks ago, in excess of 50 people turned up (despite horrendous weather), but then she has a profile, masses of talent and is a likeable person which, Julian, you are not.

  22. welshnot

    Ah, Ross, you’re back. Good. What do you have to say about your ‘full and frank apology’ claim? I’ve shown above that it’s a lie. What’s your comment on this?
    Re sales: we still have no figures. The only place those sales figures can be found is Ruck’s own site. As I’ve said, WBC have never had him on their bestseller lists of books distributed through them, NovelRank, which monitors amazon sales have sold him in single figures (I think 5 Blenched Briefs since September), no US sales, and Nielsen’s figures, which we are attempting to get from them, won’t be any better. Your turn to counter these facts. I think Mr Abell provided you with a link to Novelrank, in which the above assertions can be checked.
    Now let’s see your ‘sauces’ and we can check those.

    • The reason I suspect Ross to be Ruck (amongst others such as Bagehot1) is he shares the similar inability or desire to link to an exterior source other than Ruck himself.
      As an egomaniac and narcissus, Herr Ruck thinks this is sufficient information but outside of his own deluded brain this is simply not the case.
      As with most claims, it is up to the believer to prove to the sceptic that their assertion is true.
      Ross the evidence is pointing me to disbelieve Julian’s claims. Show me evidence that proves these, somewhat grandiose, claims?

  23. welshnot

    I suspect it’s Ruck because both writers share an inability to use commas, to spell properly, to use apostrophes and to make grammatical sense. So either Ross is Ruck or Ruck’s fans emulate him by aping (monkeying?) the shittiness of his writing as a sort of homage.
    However, if it really was Ruck writing ‘we need more Julian Rucks’ [sic] in Wales not less’, then it would be wonderfully funny.

  24. Ross B-P

    What on Earth are you two dribbling on about? Overdosing on Machi-Smuggios are we? You need to climb down from your bookshelves and get this into your demented craniums:- Look up the sales figures, and I mean at a reputable sauce and it is evident. Are you saying that when the Telegraph quotes Julian Ruck as a best selling author they are lying? Rot! What would be their reason for doing that? Now let me ask you this when between forty and fifty people turn up in Lanethli to see Julian Ruck why do you have to Lie and give an equivalency plus one for Grimace Lewi-zzzz? The only people turning up for her are fellow Elitist Dribblers. Now that is proven. Ross

    • Julian I am very sceptical of a news phenomenon called churnalism. That is when a journalist gets approached with a ‘story’, often to promote a product or view which is then published ad verbatim by the paper. Especially if it fit there right wing agenda. The Mail and Express is particularly bad at this with health fad products (read Ben Goldacre’s Bad Science) and immigration. So is the Telegraph. They regularly report inaccurate stories. This is particularly bad regarding immigration figures.

      I know you don’t read Julian, you’ve said so yourself, but if you want to know more on the subject read http://www.amazon.co.uk/Flat-Earth-News-Award-winning-Distortion/dp/0099512688 Flat Earth News, a wonderful book on shite journalism. The world was flat before someone bothered to check, right Julian?

      In a piece of shit journalism (and Julian you hit the nail on the head here) they quoted you in that article! Oh ye lord above if only they googled you they would not of touched you with a barge pole.

      That is what happened with your crappy article. Gwyneth Lewises rebuke was a lovely, eloquent, riposte.

      Can you not spell Llanelli properly? Or Glyndwr for that matter. Do you think Glyndwr called himself Glendower? You silly sausage Julian.

      No one turned up in Llanelli Julian, I checked and the staff were forthcoming. Why, also, did you delete your post about it? Because it flopped!

      Same as the Chapter post, saying it was a success! It was a disaster for you old boy. Erased.

      And your plagiarism. Golly. And your festival?

      Sales figures please? From your ‘sauce’ Julian, if it is one I do not already know about?

      The only person dribbling is you after a 60 day bender old chap!

      • Ross B-P

        Absolute stuff-a-nonsense. And NO I am not Julian Ruck why is that such a difficult concept for you to grasp? What a boring load of rubbish you wrote I nearly fell asleep half way through. Wake me up when you having anything of note to say you decrepit elitist . Ross BP.

    • LINK to the sales figures, Julie!

  25. welshnot

    OK Ross: the Telegraph simply quoted Ruck’s own ludicrous estimation of himself ‘best-selling author and FOI campaigner’. They did so because that’s what he told them he was when they were writing the article, approached as they were by the PR team that Ruck/you employ to promote himself/yourself.
    You continue to avoid showing us figures for these sales. We’ve directed you to our ‘sauces’, but you keep evading the issue by not actually telling us where yours are.
    You’ve been caught out lying about the Guardian too.
    4 people in Llanelli (I checked – I rang the hotel reception and asked – why would they lie?), five or so in Penarth. We know this, you , however, are a desperate liar.
    Gillian, can you tell us, in truth, how many people attended the Ruckmeister’s talk?

  26. Ross B-P

    You rang the hotel reception and checked? Well that changes everything! I suppose then that my friend who went is lying to me! FYI, a Sesame Street phone doesn’t normally make real big boy outward calls, perhaps yours is special? I give up, your pathetic and seemingly, compulsive lying is literally making my blood boil. Come back to me when you want to be a grown up. Ross BP

  27. Howlin' Wolf

    Oh my goodness! Julian/Ross you really are a naughty naughty fibber. It’s too late. You have been found out for the fraud you are. Trying to accuse others of lying simply won’t wash. The cats ( several of them are out of the bag) . Me and my cubs are off to chase them.

  28. Julian, please drop this silly charade and just admit to being ‘Ross BP’? Is it not to much to ask?

    We all know it is dear chap!

    Dribbler? No Julian, as I said the only dribbler is you after one of your monster months on the sauce!

    Booze is great though, love a tipple myself.

    The thing is Julian there are a lot of bad writers out there and that is fine. Let them carry on and get better at modestly pursuing there craft!

    But don’t be bitter because of rejection, don’t attack other writers personally or organisations with tiny budgets that help fledgling writers.

    Or plagiarise and lie about sales figures.

    Make a shit festival and blame the people of Camarthenshire for it not working out. Julian who but you could have planned a 25000 person ebook festival in Ffos Las when the Olympics were opening?

    Attack and be rude about a whole culture and women.

    I only got involved after you were really rude to me just before your talk (which I earnestly went to see, after you called me an ‘ignorant little shit’ for no reason. and that ‘I have been very tolerant of you’) and I decided to question your shabby points. Bear in mind I had never contacted you before then, at all?

    • Ross B-P

      What have I told you about boring me. Yawn. That was a written equivalent of a Fillibuster (look it up you might learn something). I am not Julian Ruck what would be the point of that? Al you have is Smear and Conjecture. Time and time again you fail to provide evidence or proof. Your campaign is sad and I for one will be glad when the boys in blue bring this to a final solution. You talk about lies when you are the liar. Get a grip and put down the tax payers money and earn some self-respect. Ross.

  29. This, as our American Cousin’s (and youngster friends) might say – is “TRUELY AWSOME!!!!!” do keep it up!!!! – I can’t wait until Mr Ruck read’s this and tell’s you all wear to go — funny he’s not commented yet??? HE normally isn’t one too let such drivel by snidey welshie fat-bloated, swivel-headed, up-there-own areses IDIOTS go unanswered, COME ON JULIAN SPEAK UP FOR COMMON DECENT PEOPLE!

    • Err, is this most welsh as in think Julian is a bellend, or most welsh as in he is the reincarnation of Martin Luther King? I’m not sure where to begin with this one.
      Is this you Gill, the writing tutor? The spelling and general tone seem pretty on the money.
      But in my above post is the evidence so come on Julian? 7000 copies in Wales alone? I beg to differ.

      Show me your ‘sauces’.

      • Ross B-P

        Have you sold 7000 books? May I suggest you do be quiet until such time. Call the London Broadsheets? Maybe to ask for a job cleaning their bogs perhaps. Answer me this why keep up this Smearing? Ross.

  30. Can the matter of who here might be Julian not be settled by IP address? WordPress records them, doesn’t it? Mine does, anyway…

  31. No I haven’t sold 7000 books, never claimed to! Though neither has Julian old boy!
    If I did they would be a lot better than Julian’s unrelentingly shit rags.
    I do not smear, I counter some truly bizarre and spurious claims made by an egotistical lunatic and liar.

    • Ross B-P

      “”I do not smear”” followed by “”egotistical lunatic and liar”””. Hypocrisy although I am not surprised as this is the Stock In Trade of the latte-sniffers.

      You are right Julian Ruck has not sold 7000 books… he has sold more than that. Put that in you’re pipe and smoke it.

      Enough of this rubbish. Come back to me when you have something new to say. Ross BP.

      • No, it’s ‘your pipe’, if you have one. ‘You’re pipe’ means ‘you are pipe’, which I suspect in this case may possibly be true.

        You’ll be welcome back here as soon as you can provide a link to ANY proof of Julian’s sales figures.

      • I have a lot to say old bean, show us some sales ‘sauces’?

  32. Edwin Hilliard

    Ross – show us your evidence, admit you lied about the ‘full and frank’ Guardian apology, admit Julian lied about his Welsh pubisher rejection and his agent, etc.

    • Ross B-P

      Look up the Guardian website:- they acknowledge their heinous err in allowing Grimace Lewd-is to publish unchecked with a Smear. So if that’s not an apology I do not not know what is?

      Julian Ruck has Not been rejected en masse how could this be the case when he has been praised in the British media? Daft.

      John Un-Abell tell me why do you think it clever to put high-colons around sauces? You mean to suggest that the sauces are not real? Well last time I checked (a matter of seconds ago) the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian and the Llanelli Star are genuine news outlets. Put That One To Bed.

      What more can I do it feels like all that I say is turned into Smear by your Twisted Words. Still Freedom of Speech and all that. Ross BP.

      • Ross, Julian has not been ‘praised’ by the British media! Show me a ‘sauce’ dear fellow?
        ‘Grimace Lewd-is’? Come on Ross, Gwyneth Lewis old chap. What has she done to deserve being called that? Her poem on the side of the Wales Millenium Centre is a good measure of success. Her article was very eloquent.

        http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/04/welsh-language-books-subsidies-grants

        Here it is again, Ross, there is no mention of the word apology.

        The reason I put ‘sauces’ in ‘high-colons’ is because the word you are looking for, Ruck, oops I mean Ross, is source.

  33. Edwin Hilliard

    Indeed Ross, you don’t know what an apology is, because you seem to think that a paragraph marked ‘clarification’, in which the newspaper in question ‘clarifies’ that Ruck and Lewis use different ‘sauces’ for their sales figures, and which does not contain the word ‘apology’, can be construed as an apology. No Ross, it can’t.
    Who in the British media has praised Ruck? Bollocks.

    • Ross B-P

      Who has praised Julian Ruck? The Telegraph, The Lanethli Star, The Guardian look it up it’s all there. You have to laugh because you sir have never and or would never be published in any of these publications. Or perhaps you have please do enlighten me? Another question why should my or any other hard working Brit have to have our ISA fund hacked so that the likes of the Cardiff Litterati can sit around all day pontificating about why NO ONE bought their latest tax payer funded book? Ross BP.

  34. Ross B-P

    Jog-on Un-Abell what you fail to grasp is that the sauces I state (notice a lack of high-colons because my sauces are Genuine rather than Doctored internet garbs) actually have a grounding and a context i.e. The Telegraph is a respected Great British Institution. Talking of institutions you think we should be happy that our Tax goes on hideous wastes like the God-Awful Millennium Drone. Let me guess you favour the utterly contemptible waste of money that is the Senet and it’s cronies the wasters the WAG AMs? Thought so afterall one leach knows another. Still I suppose when have Real Economics ever got in the way of a Latte-Sniffer? Ross BP.

    • You really are too good to be true. But I can’t imagine any self-respecting WUM would spend as much time on it as you do; hmm, tricky. If you’re a parody, you’re a brilliant one, although ‘sauces’ and ‘high-colons’ really challenged my willing suspension of disbelief.

  35. Having landed here because my comments on Mr Ruck’s blog have been disallowed, I do suspect the saucy gentleman might be a tease.

  36. I should apologise in advance, I suppose, never having been praised by “The Lanethli Star”.

    • I concur, Ross is clearly a spoof. Not many are capable of such high level parody. Keep up the good work old chap, fight the corner, eat your sauce and get a high colonic irragation to wash out the poop!

      • Ross B-P

        Parody? Parody? You lot on here are ones to talk! For one, final, time, Julian Ruck has stated, with sauces, the proof of his pudding. No-one here has, or, will, be able to do so. Now why don’t you take your vitriol and turn it on someone who deserves it, choose from hundreds in Cardiff alone, try down the Bay of Prats or maybe in the cosy Elitist Coffee Haunts of the Lit-Set. Come, drop bombs on Pontcanna! You say high colon, I say flying comma and this is the whole point I’m making you are just elitist and furious because your domination is being brought to an End by Mr Julian Ruck. Good night. Ross BP.

  37. Ross B-P

    I leave, with, this:- http://julianruck.wordpress.com Read it and wheep tears. All of the sauces you could ever need and back up by The Telegraph, The Guardian, The Lanethli Star. Ross BP

  38. Welshnot

    yep, he’s definitely a, parody. Makes me wheep (!) into my porridge.

  39. This is the Telegraph’s only mention of Ruck – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/wales/9774410/Taxpayers-fund-millions-of-pounds-in-grants-to-keep-Welsh-authors-writing-books-no-one-reads.html

    It doesn’t praise him. It simply describes him as ‘an author and freedom of information campaigner ‘. Like every other national newspaper it’s never touched any of his books. They ran the story because Ruck or his PR outfit approached them with it. I doubt we will see his name in there again.

    The only mention of him in the Guardian is here – http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/04/welsh-language-books-subsidies-grants?INTCMP=SRCH

    They call him a ‘a self-described author and freedom of information campaigner’ which I think hits the nail on the hit. Nor, of course, is there a single word of praise.

    Speaking as a former national newspaper journalist (Times, Independent, Sunday Times) who still keeps in touch with my old trade I have to say that the idea any newsdesk outside the Llanelli Bugle keeps him on speed dial is the purest fantasy. We all get obsessive self-publicising crackpots on our case from time to time (a charming old bird used to ring the Times newsdesk most nights to say she was the real Queen, being kept in prison while the fake one ruled). Occasionally they get one story through the mill, Rarely more.

    The queen in custody lady was, however, both very polite and occasionally entertaining. Unlike…

    • Ahem. I’m going to blame WordPress for this comment having sat quietly in the ‘Pending’ list without any of the monkeys noticing it.

      The Queen in custody sounds like a joy. No point being half-hearted about self-promotion…;-)

  40. Welshnot

    It’s all going wonderfully bizarre over at Julian Ruck’s ‘genuine’ site. Viv Griffiths has now had a tantrum. As someone said, when your have a group based entirely on envy, prejudice and hate, it eventually implodes (see Gillian Brutemore and the secret Arts council grant for an unwritten book of stories!):

    Vivian Griffiths · March 21, 2013 at 5:43 PM ·
    When are you going to answer my emails directly instead of ranting on about your prejudices? Perhaps the Literati are right: you are an ignorant, arrogant git! Viv Grifftihs AUTHOR.Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2013 16:41:54 +0000 To: griffstaff4@live.com

    Reply

    julianruck · March 21, 2013 at 5:59 PM ·
    I have answered you directly, Vivian. See below, for my request for the titles of your work, so that I can read them.

    This being said, I tend to avoid engaging with those who exercise personal insult as a means to an argumentative end, as it were.

    You are now ‘blocked’.

    Good luck,

    Julian

    Reply

    • So that leaves Julian with one less supporter, just Gill and himself now.

      I think he should start adding PR guru to his CV, really knows how to look after his fans!

      He is definitely more qualified to dole out advice on how to treat people who agree with him than creative writing!

      I am slightly perplexed as to why Julian decided to publish that particular comment, his editorial policy is frightening.

  41. Edwin Hilliard

    Check this marvel from Ruck’s new post about Creative Wales Awards:

    “I remain at an utter loss as to how the Arts Council of Wales can justify such a profligate disregard for these days of dire cost and hair cutting mutilation.”

    ‘hair cutting mutilation’? Has he been shaving the monkeys?

    • After the heinous invisible monkey dog shit threats, it would appear that Julian has become genuinely fond of dog shit.

      ‘PS Actually, I’ve been exercising my artistic bent in the courtyard at the back of the house. Multilayered pyramids of dog poo, with a brush handle sticking out of it. The title? ”Twas on the Good Ship Venus’ and guess what, it hasn’t cost the tax-payer a dime. I’ll be submitting it for the next round of Creative Wales Awards – think I’m in with a chance? Come to think of it, I’ll probably have more luck with the Turner Prize’

      What irony. What a plonker.

  42. Welshnot

    Now Julian is trying to stop people from referring to his plagiarism and porkies on his wikipedia page…

    • http://johnabell.blogspot.co.uk/

      I think they should remain there, Wikipedia is meant to be as factually accurate as possible and these allegations did happen, well documented and in public. The ethos of Wiki is to allow people to add information on a subject when it happens and evolve constantly, which as ever, is too democratic an idea to be understood by a psychotic misanthrope like Julian (aka Bagehot1).

  43. who’s been sending him fake intern applications? Good idea.

  44. Mrs Penn-Thomas

    Gillian was getting a bit racist earlier so I corrected her. Just in case JR deletes it
    “Dear Ms Brightmore
    As far as I can see most of the recipients who dared to be born in other countries have spent more time in Wales than our own dear Mr Ruck has, so I am a bit confused about your comments. Isn’t it wonderful that people of talent are encouraged to make Wales their home – shows us to be a cosmopolitan and forward thinking nation where businesses as well as artists can flourish. Seems to also be a very varied list of artists being supported including musicians, theatre practitioners and sculptors. Quite encompassing not elitist at all. Oh and wasn’t this paid for in the main by Lottery money not tax-payers money? Lottery money is intended to fund the life and cultural activities of the UK that cannot be supported through taxes. A breakdown would clarify this of course and I am happy to be corrected if you or Mr Ruck have the figures.
    yours respectfully
    Mrs Penn-Thomas”

    I have now been blocked within an hour of my comments and with only two rather tame and polite pieces of opinion offered. Oh how the man hates open and honest discussion.
    regards
    Mrs Penn-Thomas

  45. Mrs Penn-Thomas

    So new email address and let’s hope this one sneeks through under the radar.
    “Dear Mr Ruck
    You appear to have blocked my new email address without allowing me to respond to your accusation that my moral compass points nowhere and that I therefore condone stress to your wife. So pleased that you are, as always, so open to free and friendly discussion. And how reassuring that you are still so happy to throw accusations at others without giving a right of reply. Bravo old boy. You never disappoint. The taxpayers are safer with you on their side.
    regards
    Mrs Penn-Thomas”

    All the best
    Mrs Penn-Thomas

    p.s. How are the Monkeys? I hope they didn’t eat too much chocolate at Easter.

  46. Welshnot

    Mr Ruck now believes that Gwyneth lewis libelled him. The man is a total schlong. I very much hope the story of his plagiarism and bogus book sale stats find their way into his Wikipedia page, along with his bigoted comments about Welsh speakers and his shitty attitude to women.

    Great that you’ve shamed him into keeping your comments up though, Mrs P-T.

  47. Welshnot

    Wow Mts P-T, you’ve managed to provoke this piece of fabulous prose from Julian, congratulations:

    julianruck · April 4, 2013 at 4:50 PM ·
    Oh dear dear me. Have a pedantic second home firmly imbedded in your anus do you? I only hope for your sake that the Taffy Nationalists don’t try and blow it up!

    Keep on rockin’ and rollin’!

    Love,

    Julian xx

    NB Actually, I just adore a smart-arse bit of crumpet. Maybe we can meet up and discuss our differences over a bottle of whisky and a packet of Golden Virginia? As it so happens, I’m thinking of setting up a new dating site. It will be called ‘Ruck The Fuck, and All Who Sail on Him’!

    Oh and on the ‘intellectual’ front, I’ve been known to pass the odd exam or two in my time, even read the odd book (although I confess, I haven’t finished colouring it in yet).

    You see, I’ve just never felt the need or indeed compulsion to show off about it. Bad form, it’s rather like telling someone what University one attended. Something to do with my ‘dragged up’ antecedents and English (God forbid!) education, no doubt – on the other hand, it could have something to do with my being buggered silly at publc school?

    You fell right into that one didn’t you? You silly-billy. You’re not related to Welshy poet Gwyneth Lewis are you?

  48. Welshnot

    It appears that , thanks to some detective work by Steve Mosby on his Leftroom blog, that Bagehot1, who assiduously edits Mr Ruck’s Wikipedia page, is in fact Ruck himself. This is rather sad – to actually write and then keep editing your own wikipedia page in order to weed out well-documented references to plagiarism etc – is really the nadir of self-aggrandisement. Can Mr Ruck confirm or deny that he is in fact Bagehot1?
    certainly Begehot1’s poor grammar and awful spelling would indicate a close kinship with Ruck, but only Ruck knows.
    Julian – pray tel…

  49. Crazyhorse

    Looks like the eminent author Julian Ruck is about to have his Wikipedia page removed due to lack of notability. Bet that won’t go down well!

  50. Welshnot

    Jewels, you have a little section of Julian’s blog dedicated to you, in which he claims never to have tried to shut down your homage blog , and claims you have brought shame on Wales. It’s only because of Julian’s belief in free speech and his largesse that you still exist, and not because he has tried desperately and failed (via the heddlu) to shut you down.
    Naughty Jewels, naughty monkeys. You live on thanks to Julian’s magnanimous attitude to dissent, to different opinions, to his great sense of humour, and to his sense of irony.

  51. riderofthewelshliteraturegravytrain

    Why is it so hard for him to believe that people aren’t using pseudonyms on his blog. Julian, that isn’t Penny Thomas. And Rhys Jones is the most boring, and confusing, pseudonym in Wales ever! (No disrespect to the guy, but a pseudonym should be like Enrique Macduff or something far more exciting)

    I feel really put off crumpets now.

    • Rhys Jones, The Most Boring Pseudonym in Wales

      No offence taken, trainrider. I did briefly consider calling myself Dave Gorseinon, but thought that a) no-one would get the reference (not even here) and b) why add fuel to his assertion that everyone’s too scared to use their real name around him?

      Anyway, I’m deeply regretting all the time I spent trying to achieve a semblance of balance on the Wikipedia page about him, given the drubbing his notability is receiving there right now:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Articles_for_deletion/Julian_Ruck

      ‘Spectacularly fails AUTHOR’, indeed.

  52. Another superb charm offensive by Julian. Oooh he is a right old charmer.
    Beautiful.

    julianruck · April 5, 2013 at 5:27 PM ·
    Well PT, I’m impressed! No doubt about it, you to have the charm of Medusa and the smile of Caligula!

    In fairness, you have a sense of humour so I take my hat off to you – and I do wear them on a daily basis. Not the baseball cap variety you understand, far too working class, it’s Christys’ Hats or nothing.

    And do you know, I think you’re right. We probably would get on rather well in some smoky bar in Soho – not that there’s any left but you get my drift.

    Best wishes,

    Julian

    PS And all women are pieces of ‘crumpet’, it just depends how much butter is spead all over ‘em and where! Oh and have a read of ‘The Bent Brief’, you certainly won’t be surprised.

  53. Mrs Penn-Thomas

    Julian nearly believes in me. I feel almost vindicated. He is tempting me with his Bent Brief now. Am I suffering Stockholm syndrome? Have I gone native? Must. Resist. Dark Side. Force too strong… Oh throw me under your grill Julian darling and give me a good toasting.

    help.

    • I really just can’t comprehend why he is convince you are not you? Must be a tad annoying. I do worry about his paranoia sometimes, and the somewhat bullish nature of Gill Brightmore.

      • Taffy Fatwa

        I don’t understand how he hasn’t worked out who you are.

        Maybe there’s a TAFFY FATWA on his search engine. (Which is a great pseudonym!)

      • Ah Taffy Fatwa, he could never work out who I am, due to my arcane and archaic pseudonym choosing methods, which, I am sure you will agree, has been consistently brilliant.

        John Ap Abell

  54. Welshnot

    Dear Jewels,
    you are a subject of a declaration of cessation of hostilities from Julian, Ruck. This is after months of accusing you of vile harrassment [sic] and criminal hate-crimes. The truce he proposes must be a sign that Dyfed Powys police has told him he’s full of crap and that your ‘fake’ blog has bugger all to do with criminal activity.
    I wonder how much it’s cost them to investigate his pointless complaint. More to the point, how many good Welsh books could have been published using that money.

    • Hmm I think he is having another mini breakdown. His claim that a poster on this blog thinks a suiciode bomber should be present at his next talk is surely one of his flights of fancy? I have read no such thing. I suspect he is lying again.

    • Julian Fxxx (actually these days, and I hate to disappoint, but not even a 100mg shot of Viagra can support such a complimentary surname – a double bypass has seen to that, all I have now are depraved but wantonly titillating memories!)

      What a beauty, I do think this must be an admission of defeat regarding PC Ap Plod, don’t think there was much to go on. Things just are not going to plan for poor Julian at the moment.

  55. Taffy Fatwa

    will jewels take him up on his offer to hold a mass debate in public then?

    NB. PS. PPS. Why does he do that on every blogpost. Nothing he says couldn’t just fit into the post, if he were a better writer and not just vomiting every thought out on the page.. PS and PPS and such only make sense if you handwrote something and can’t just add it back in the chatter further up.

    ETA makes more sense on blog posts, if, you know, you’re adding something that you missed out the first time round.

  56. This is my first post on the Real Julian Fuck blog. Does that make me a contributor? I have already debated with the fake Julian Fuck while having a smoke outside Chapter, and he ended up agreeing with me on quite a few things. Our email exchange was less successful, as he was rude almost from the off, and refused to acknowledge a lot of the points I raised. I would love to debate with him again (he can provide the pink gins and lamberts) but I think he is doing this just so that he can say, ‘Look! no one wants to debate with me and that makes me right!’ if/when no-one responds. What this line of thinking would fail to take into account of course is the way he has alienated himself from everyone, and the voyeuristic nature of those who visit his blog (and no, fake Julian Fuck, I don’t mean voyeuristic in the ‘Robin Askwith up a ladder’ type of way – don’t pretend you don’t check this blog out!) so I am at a loss as to whether it is worth debating with him in the first place.

    • Taffy Fatwa

      I wonder if he has the same 1950s creepy leering pervert persona in real life towards women. Buttered crumpets and such…

      It’s no good for him to arrange a debate, putting himself at the centre of it again,as all this is ever about is is own self-promotion. wHe is clearly a massive egomaniac, who resents the most minor slight to his importance. (look at his rant against the wikipedia page being deleted, even though that’s been assessed by wiki mods, not the cardiff latte crowd.) He had his own festival, which gave a prize to another e-book, yet the only thing that seems to have come from it was Julian Ruck’s ego. It’s quite impressive that someone with no reputation could organise a festival, but all he really achieved was hiring big tents. He didn’t seem to consider the part that wasn’t about him. A good chunk of the promotional material, as I remember it, was about him.

      He would never go to an event organised by other people though, at which he was only a small part. I’m not even sure he’d go to another literary event even as an audience member.

  57. Welshnot

    No it isn’t Joao – I’ve tried leaving corrective and non-aggressive comments on his blog about things he pronounces on but knows shit about, and he is afraid to publish them. This man is afraid of debate, though he pretend he wants debate. He’s changing tack re Jewels and the rest of us because the police have told him his complaint is baseless and won’t be followed up any further.

    • I am well up for the proposed debate. Jo, how about Nos Da? Good venue. Or Chapter?
      Remember the last time we saw him in Chapter, what a complete farce it all descended into? Julian I will debate with you but only if you promise not to threaten to assault anyone or attempt to waste the venues security guards time by getting them whenever someone disagrees with you!
      Obviously they did nothing, exactly like the police.
      When would you like the debate Julian? Is Gill Brightmore your independent adjudicator?
      I must post this here as I am banned from posting on his blog.

      Another particularly funny Julian balls up is his cosying up with Ross ‘saucy saucy’ B-P. Even dedicating a blog post to him! In real life he is a good friend of mine and was also at the Chapter talk.

      I will, like Joao, use my normal shit pseudonym of John Abell, must maintain this cloak of anonymity.

      • Ross BP

        What utter rubbish; don’t you bloody dare attempt to a-line yourself with me. Utterly sad and Transparent behaviour as ever. Pure Smear. Sad. Ross BP

  58. Julian says in his latest post that no one has credibly challenged him on his claims.

    For those who have not read it, here is Joao’s piece on Ruck and his claims;

    http://jo-mo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/thats-it-i-cant-put-up-with-julian.html

    Again I have to post this here as Julian does not allow counter argument on his blog.

    He again lies about Gwyneth Lewis Guardian article.

    So Julian, Joao Morais (award winning young writer) and myself (award winning young artist) are more than willing, along with a few others, to have this debate you seem to want.

    When is good for you old chap?

    John Abell (the worlds most rubbish pseudonym)

    • Ross BP

      Its’ funny what a couple of Tax Payer Funded (i.e. ISA Theft) grants can do for ones’ confidence. You talk about credibility well bloody right you have none, all you do is regurgitate the same old Floppy Nonsense. Tell you what, why don’t you actually agree to take on Julian Ruck in a debate and then we’ll see who has egg in their faces. I give up. And I should state:- if you attempt to Smear me and implicate me again I have no hesitation in calling the police servicees. Ross BP

    • I’d be very interested in attending any public discussion, perhaps also offering my services as moderator, Richard Huw Morgan

  59. Edwin Hilliard

    Richard: This would be an interesting debate – however, the problem with Ruck is that he has told so many lies (about having an agent, about never submitting to Welsh publishers – he did, and was turned down – and about selling thousands of copies of his books etc that you’d have to make sure his own credentials were as good as those of the people he was debating with.
    You might also want to look at his bigoted comments about Welsh and Welsh-speakers, his sexism and his borderline literacy.
    Unfortunately, he isn’t up to the mark of any of his potential sparring partners.
    If you were to moderate, you’d have to promise to show proper scrutiny of his own claims to be who and what he is.

    • Taffy Fatwa

      his most recent post suggests that his ‘truce’, or whatever it was, hasn’t lasted.

      Didn’t Richard Davies spar with him on the last occasion in Cardiff?

  60. Just popping in to point to the latest developments in the police case: http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/Kidwelly-author-attacks-police-lack-help-internet/story-18662153-detail/story.html#axzz2Q8gzmipY

    As expected, really – but it’s nice that Ruck openly admits to editing his own Wikipedia page.

    • Taffy Fatwa

      you’d think a former lawyer would have known from the start that nothing being said is a criminal offence.

    • Taffy Fatwa

      also, hitting out at the police when they decide that there’s nothing criminal and they’re not going kicking in doors and raiding computers till they find the heinous culprit who would attack your use of commas seems very sensible. I suspect he threw his toys out of the pram when they told him there was nothing to investigate.

    • It’s a bluff. The monkeys have just told me they’ve seen a policeman trying to hide behind a tree. As soon as I relax and come out of this off-grid cabin, we’re done for.

  61. Which makes me wonder (again) whether Julian is behind the ‘Bagehot1’ edits. The notes accompanying the edits are consistent with his writing style, they reference the police investigation, and some were made in the early hours of the morning at roughly the same time Julian himself commented on my blog.

    The main reason I wonder is because of this: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/A1N5LMNHW6WN83/ref=cm_cr_pr_pdp

  62. PC ap Plod

    I’d hope that if this debate takes place, and in view of the failure of Julian Ruck’s attempt to get the police involved in criminal proceedings against others, full background checks on all participants were run to assess whether any of them has a genuine police record.

  63. It would appear that Julians wikipedia entry has been deleted, having failed all the criteria required for an author.

    It’s not easy being a ‘crusading truth alchemist’.

  64. Taffy Fatwa

    Mrs Penn Thomas, I hope you’re not off somewhere having a life. Julian needs you so much! It’s been several days without him being derogatory and sexist to a woman.

    • Mrs Penn-Thomas

      I do feel guilty about neglecting poor Julian. I was becoming enamoured with Julian’s charm and was concerned that I would be sucked in by his wit, intellect and tasteful choice in tweed jackets. That and the demands of leading a double life, as both Mrs Penn-Thomas and Penny Thomas, was becoming a strain on my finances and family life.

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