Weren’t you expecting something in the Daily Mail, Julian?

You did say towards the end of the week, didn’t you? I only mention it because we’re looking forward to the traffic so much – the stuff from the local rags is starting to dry up, and Google will notice that we’re getting less popular. Come on, we’re relying on you!

Oh, talking of Google, have you Googled yourself lately? The last we checked, you’d been knocked off top place by one or more of David Hewson, John Abell and ourselves (depending on whether you use .com or .co.uk) – so if anyone decides to check you out after hearing you rant about something, they’ll get the kind of balanced view of which you’re so very fond…:)

Incidentally, the monkeys and I don’t hate you in the least. We know you’ve got some pretty aggressive, unpleasant views on a range of issues, and we know you don’t behave like a gentleman, but our only concern is to defend both commas and readers. In other words, we just want to make sure that if anyone Googles you, toying with the idea of spending 1p on one of your Amazon listings, they’ll have a fair chance to see that some educated readers think you write excruciatingly badly.

And thanks to Google, the truth is out!

P.S. We’ve had a couple of days now where our viewing figures have been just under 1000. Your busiest ever day was just over 1000, wasn’t it, Julian? We think it helps to show just how far this teacup isn’t reaching if we reveal that our 964 views on Tuesday were generated by 104 visitors. Our 992 views on Wednesday came from only 92 visitors. Your ‘33,000 views in a year’ sounds lovely, but they probably come from fewer than 100 regular readers.

What was that you were saying about readership again, Julian?!

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28 Comments

Filed under The Society for the Preservation of Commas

28 responses to “Weren’t you expecting something in the Daily Mail, Julian?

  1. Puppy

    Judging by Julian’s comment section on his blog you could suggest it’s less than 10 readers (as in readers of his books or people who somehow like him)

    • I think you’re on the money there – a core group of about 10, and somewhere up to 100 or so occasional readers – a decent percentage of whom visit because they don’t like him. Whisper it quietly, but I don’t believe he actually sells thousands of books! And now he doesn’t even top the rankings in Google for his own name. He still feels like a winner, though!

      • Puppy

        I’d say the whole of that 100 or so who don’t like him! Unless you count the times that he visits his own page?
        I don’t believe he sells 10 books! Apart from the ones he buys himself. He’d cast and polish himself a little trophy if he could, bless him, bestselling author of Wales indeed.

  2. Welshnot

    I think your stats are correct, yes. The people who read his blog and those who read this are the same, the difference is that you publish things that get left and he censors them. Even Gillian Brightmore has started getting censored

    He has an amusing (anti-Welsh) aside mocking people with Welsh names like Meic and Lleucu, and wonders aloud why Lleucu Sienkyn won’t answer his emails about whether she changed her name.

    When he changed his name form Julian Fuck to Julian Ruck, it was almost certainly because he thought it would be easier to get published by proper publishers.

    Ah well.

    I’m in for a hundred quid for the anthology. Maybe John Abell can do the cover?

  3. Welshnot

    and God help us, he’s got 2 more ‘novels’ on the, way. One is being edited ‘in London’.
    Priceless. (should that be Ap Rhys-less?)

  4. thelatteliterati

    I’m part of his readership. Seriously. I read the excerpts of the forthcoming additions to his wonderful parodies (they are parodies, aren’t they?) and now I need to share.

    Note to Mr Ruck: the following is called quotation; quotation is not a breach of copyright – it’s what happens when people read what you have published and feel so moved that they wish to comment upon it.

    Note to readers – please heed the following warning before proceeding: reading the writing of Mr Ruck can cause serious damage to your health.

    “Brittle blue veins on the backs of his hands throbbed and seemed to bully his mind into action.” (Julian Ruck, The Silver Songsters)

    “The pitiful echoes of their screams were lost in the ruthless swirls of destruction and shrieks of lethal lightening as their names fell onto yet another stone slab in some distant cemetery.” (Julian Ruck, All Gas No Oil)

    Jewels, sweet Jewels, I think he might have employed an editor to see to his commas. So your worthy labours have not been in vain.

  5. Gus Laverne

    I like that those brittle old vains throbbed away, and it does me good to know that they bullied his lazy old mind into action. Good show. That’s what we Taxpayers want in a story. Throbbing, veins. I rest my case.

  6. riderofthewelshliteraturegravytrain

    on one of your previous posts i had to go directly to his blog because my links weren’t working. then i stupidly closed the tab, so i had to reopen it. So, if he gets several views every time i inadvertently close a tab, then he doesn’t have as near as many readers as he will admit to.

  7. Gus Laverne

    Veins, of course. Silly me.

  8. riderofthewelshliteraturegravytrain

    oh, god, he’s hosting, a talk, on creative writin at, the diplomat, hotel llanelli.

    of course, he might just be in the 25 person suite. or less. who’d go to hear him talk? ABOUT WRITING?????

    He should declare that his talks are UTTERLY CREDITED!!!

    • A lot of his blog views are from me but look at his main sources of hits, twitter, me and jewels and it does become apparent that they are mostly from detractors. Gutted his ouevre will in all cost me 6p. I don’t do ‘revenge reviews’; they are just shit books. Love to you Julian, just be a man old boy, drop this writer pretence, you simply can’t do it!?

    • Puppy

      Mabey we should go so we can count the number of true fans he has.
      Although one person could count that… On one hand..

  9. Welshnot

    Anyone heard from the boys in blue yet? I’m hoping to go to France for a few days at 1/2 term, and am worried they’ll be monitoring ports and airports. Maybe I’ll just cancel and go to his creative writing Q and A instead. As Julian says, ‘Nothing too , serious’.

  10. Welshnot

    You too could learn to write like this:

    “All these silly-billy nationalist and literati Trolls have, is hot air, virulent juvenile angst, playground name-calling and not forgetting the clear and present danger of a faecal missile attack upon my home.”

    “The clear and present danger of a faecal missile attack upon my home”? – come on Puppy, have you been threatening to throw copies of the Bent Brief through his windows again?

    • Puppy

      Hahaha I never threatened to launch anything at his home. If I were to make a threat it would be that if he does not stop the police investigation I will prance naked around his home every night, my modesty protected only by pages of his books or his press photographs.

    • That was awful. Too heavy with his adjectives all the time. Needs Hemingway or Richard Yates therapy. Strip it down Julian, bare minimum.

      “All these silly-billy nationalist and literati Trolls have, is hot air, virulent juvenile angst, playground name-calling and not forgetting the clear and present danger of a faecal missile attack upon my home.

      That is definitely a contender for poorest sentence structure ever. I would whole heartedly advise that anyone interested in writing (small four legged mammals included) not attend his talk, except to laugh.

  11. Howlin Wolf

    A quote from Mr Ruck which was later deleted but which may explain Mr Ruck’s most extraordinary writing style.

    ” Most of the stuff I’ve read I could write sitting on the toilet with a fag in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other”

    Oh what a picture it does conjure. Enough to bring tears to your eyes.

  12. Puppy’s threat is by quite some way the best threat this blog has ever hosted. Superb work.

    LL – yes! How exciting! Julian, if you’re actually going to pay an editor, a proper, real editor, to work on your mss, you’ve made our comma monkeys very, very happy.

    But please don’t talk to people about creative writing. It would be like Tesco talking about horse care.

    Oh, Wolf. You’ve found the key to it all. Julian doesn’t read anything of any value, so he can’t get any better – and he produces his own work while he drinks and smokes on the toilet. No wonder he finds himself drawn to describing bowel movements so often.

  13. anonymous benefactor

    I see Ross has returned to Julian’s blog after a short break with some splendidly contorted wordplay:

    “Ross B-P
    February 8, 2013 at 4:15 PM
    This sounds like a good event, after all there is never a bad time to continue swishing the sword of truth across the britches of the Welch Litterpickeratti! I imagine after events in Cardiff the Prat-ithan cohort of Reich-hard Dreary-views, his dribbling side-schlep Catweazle and the other goons will be nowhere to be seen. Do they know they are beat? I should think so! Time to move on methinks and let these worms wriggle in their oversized mocha-nonsense coffee cups. Keep up the fight. Ross B-P.”

    Let me renew my offer to fund the anthology of Jewels’s finest pages.

    • AB I am the infamous Catweazle. Such notoriety. My polite brand f heckling has garnered me much fame.
      I am up for helping such a compilation, sounds hilarious. I really want to go to his talk, hopefully get him to sign my copy f Inheritance Lost which I bought for 5p.

  14. anonymous benefactor

    Dear John,
    Glad to meet you – I am serious about the anthology, yes, so perhaps I’ll email you on your site. I am not sure about the permissions for Julian’s own jewels, rather than Jewels from Julian, but I think a small cautionary pamphlet to remember this moment in the cultural struggle for the very survival of English is certainly in order.
    AB

  15. anonymous benefactor

    PS – Ross calls you ‘dribbling Catweazle’. Do you dribble? Or are you merely salivating at the thought of another two Ruck ‘best,sellers’ in the pipeline: All Gas, No Oil and Silver Songsters?
    For sure, it is hard to contain one’s bodily seepages at the thought of such literary Jewels being imminent.

  16. Welshnot

    For ref – another ill-fated attempt by me to get our Julian to enlighten us on matters he has held forth about in the past:

    Dear Julian,
    I was hoping you’d be able to bring your great educational expertise to bear on the question of Michael Gove’s backtracking over A levels and GCSEs in England. I ask because I know how well-versed you are in these matters, and was looking forward to an enlightening post by you.
    Let’s hope something is forthcoming – it’s a race between you to frame an intelligent response and the police to beat their way to my door for alleged ‘harrassment’ [sic].
    However, as someone involved in education, I think it’s only fair that I show my interest in your deep understanding of the issues, as demonstrated in your last ‘educational’ post.
    Some come on Julian, let’s have a spot of armchair punditry this half-term!
    I look forward to seeing you post this, if only because I’m a little peeved that you censor my comments and at the same time accuse me on your blog of hiding from you and Inspector Ap-Knacker.
    This is why I will also submit it, as is my wont, to Jewels from Julian.
    Toodle Pip,
    WN

  17. Welshnot

    “You seem to have gone frightfully quiet, ‘Welshnot’? Not so brave, malicious and comically pedantic now are you, with your cloak of anonymity under threat and being the subject of a police investigation?”

    Not at all Julian, as you know full well. Publish this you coward, plus my other comments, and you can see how frightened I am. My comments to you on this post contained actual facts. I’ve updated my question to you on your latest posting.

    You’re the one running scared – from normal debate.

    May I ask how much your misuse of police time is costing the taxpayer?

    Time for a FOI…”

    Can anyone help with advice about how to check how much Julian’s setting the cops on a few shit reviews is costing the taxpayer?

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