It’s beyond parody – I go visiting imaginary monkeys in a particularly real zoo for a couple of days, and Julian has his very own Chris Huhne moment, listing his various absurdities in a surprisingly honest piece of writing. At least, it’s honest until it gets to point 5, where he offers his books and his blog as evidence that his writing can’t be all that bad! Yes, the very same evidence we’ve been using to argue the opposite point of view. From there on, it goes downhill.
But Julian isn’t just having a Huhne moment – he’s gone into overdrive, sending press releases to all and sundry claiming that a bunch of imaginary monkeys are going to throw dog shit at his house, and that he is consequently living in fear.
I think he may be playing to the gallery ever so slightly here – perhaps unaware how absurd it looks. But just in case – Julian, if you have ANY genuine, honest concern that the joke about monkeys volunteering to throw dog shit at your windows meant that I myself, the estimable Mr Fuck of Fuck Towers, would be willing to dress up in camouflage, hide in a bush and throw things at your windows myself, let me put your fears to rest.
I would and will do no such thing.
Nor will the monkeys – on that point, you have my word. They are, after all, imaginary, Julian. Ooh, look at all those lovely commas! Do you know why each is where it is? But I digress. The monkeys, being imaginary, will throw neither dog shit nor dreadfully written books at your windows. I myself, being of sound mind, will likewise refrain from any such energetic behaviour.
But enough, enough – mercy, Mr Ruck! Your wonderful control of the media is crushing us. Why, only yesterday we suffered 964 views – the thought of all those people reading what we have to say about your use of commas fills us with delight, er, sorry, I mean despair. Hey, 964 is almost as many as the busiest day ever on your blog, isn’t it?
Does that mean, by your own logic, that I and my imaginary monkeys are almost as good a writer as you are, Julian? Praise indeed!