Wishing a Merry Christmas to Julian Ruck!

Julian seems to be in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment – after his heavily over-subscribed ‘festival’ in Kidwelly [please check that, copy-monkey], he’s now employing security to keep people away from his public talks!

So, it’s time to forget about his problems with grammar (well, temporarily) and send him some season’s greetings. Let’s hope, too, that he gets visited by three ghosts over the next three weeks, and undergoes a positively Dickensian transformation by the time the New Year arrives.

Our tip to Julian as he looks towards 2013 – hunt for positives, old chap!

The thing is, you take an ever-so-slightly negative approach in general, Julian. You’re always blasting this and raving about that and condemning the other – naughty grants for writers, nasty Welsh speakers, beastly internet trolls – it doesn’t seem to take much to get you frothing.

Maybe most of this is displacement activity, triggered by not being able to find a real publisher for what you write, or perhaps even by a grudging admission to yourself that you’re not a very good writer. If so, anyone who has striven and failed, in any field, can sympathise with you – it is a grim and bitter thing to want to be good at something and not manage it, as any Welsh rugby supporter knows only too well at the moment.

Our lives are defined by how we respond to failure, though (anyone can respond well to success, although not everyone does). Do we get up off the floor, rub our jaws wistfully, and then aim for something new? Or do we rage and roar against everyone else who seems to be doing better?

I know you don’t enjoy reading very much, Julian, but it might be worth having a quick squint at Constantine Cavafy’s ‘Il Gran Rifiuto’. My favourite translation of it reads:

For some people the day comes
when they have to declare the great Yes
or the great No. It’s clear at once who has the Yes
ready within him; and by saying it,

he goes from honor to honor, strong in his conviction.
He who refuses does not repent. Asked again,
he would still say no. Yet that no – the right no –
drags him down all his life.

At the moment, your great No seems to be dragging you down further all the time. Put it to one side, Julian – find yourself a goal, something you can work at – it could even be writing, if that’s what you want most passionately. There are plenty of good courses out there, even though some of them are grant-assisted.

And once you have found a goal, focus on it, work towards it, fill yourself with the joy of the struggle, and celebrate those around you who are also struggling towards something worthwhile.

You will find it a far more rewarding existence – and you may be surprised by how many people will want to help and support you when you are working towards something – even more, no doubt, than want to throw things at you when you focus on attacking and belittling the work other people are doing.

Here endeth the sermon.

The monkeys suspect it may take more than kind words to catch Julian on the road to Dimeshq – so, gentle reader, please cross your fingers for some genuine supernatural visitations down at Ruck Towers this Christmas.

[Point of order: Julian refers to this as a ‘fake blog’. It is not. It is a real blog, written under a fake name, and giving very little credit to the team of monkeys who put most of it together.]



Filed under The Society for the Preservation of Commas

60 responses to “Wishing a Merry Christmas to Julian Ruck!

  1. Here’s a gem from Julian:

    I was about to write ‘…..And so to bed’ but thought better of it. Plagiarism has never quite been my style and following in the footsteps of our Samuel is far too intimidating a thought (have you read his diaries?)

    see here http://julianruck.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/peeping-at-pepys/

    Glorious! “Plagiarism has never quite been my style” indeed. Tell that to Christopher Hitchens’s estate Julian.

  2. welshnot

    Please see this fine piece for a sense of Julian’s delusional self-assessment:


    • Good heavens. The monkeys tell me that if only they’d known about the facilities for helicopters, they would most certainly have attended Mr Ruck’s festival. Why wasn’t this more widely publicised?!

  3. I would like to say, as a ‘Welsh Literati Mafia’ (?) ‘brigand and hooligan’ and apparently a Catweazle lookalike that I have never sent Mr Ruck an offensive email. I sent him the first email I have ever sent him yesterday, trying to put him straight on a few things.
    A man who says this

    ‘That does not excuse behaviour that would shame a New York slum. And as you are happy to condone such conduct, then please don’t comment on my blog again. If you do, your comment will be trashed.


    in response to minor critique on his own blog can not be relied on to present objective truths. He really has no grasp on reality. I can not believe he spelt Hitchens ‘Hitchins’ in response to his plagiarism. He is genuinely a cretin. That is the only way to describe the man, who has in the space of a few months in the public eye, become a laughing stock. A by word for self delusion and incompetence.

  4. welshnot

    His mate Ross is just as much of an idiot, as witnessed by this cringingly awful and personally vindictive slurry of bad wordplay:

    December 14, 2012 at 5:13 PM
    Thank you Julian for your kind words. It is right that you maintain a dignified stance as the leader of the revolution against Prat-ithan, Hobo, Serrendipsticks et al. And I am more than happy to call the dribblers; Raggamuffin Davies, the crusted Catweazle, Crap-thing Grey and Aimless Wack et al for what they are! I even hear there has been infighting amongst them, perhaps one of them cut the queue at a tax payer funded visit to the coffee shop for one of their cafe lattes! Have a good weekend, I hope it brings more book sales to stuff it down their throats! Ross.”

    Julian only publishes paens to himself on his turd of a blog.

  5. Mrs Penn-Thomas

    Dear Mr Monkey and friends

    I really would have liked to have wished Mr Ruck a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. However, I am very sorry to say that Mr Ruck appears to have blocked me from his site for saying things he didn’t agree with. And after I was so very nice to him too. He has me down as a conspirator and thinks I work for Seren (My apologies to the lady at Seren whose name is so very similar to my own that Mr Ruck has mistaken me for you). Well perhaps Mr Ruck will read your blog and see this post and take my heartfelt wishes that the Yuletide season will be one of Joy and Peace and Goodwill to all mankind. We should all send him our Christmas Wishes here… as most of us are blocked from his actual site for having different opinions to him. If only he believed in Santa we could threaten him with the naughty list.

    best wishes to you all

    Mrs Penn-Thomas

    • It’s very naughty to say things that Julian doesn’t agree with. Only bad people do it, so you’ve got some last-minute work to do if you want to be on Santa’s good list yourself, I’m afraid. Leaving a five star review of Buggered Craps on Amazon should do the trick.

      • Mrs Penn-Thomas

        Would I actually have to read the book to leave the review? I am already suffering psychological scarring from reading his Blog posts. Why only yesterday I accosted the postman and accused him of being part of a secret mafia who were out to get me and I taped down my letterbox to stop his bullying. I might sue Mr Ruck for not placing a warning on his site.

        all the very best
        Mrs Penn-Thomas

      • I think no-one, Julian excepted, would be cruel enough to expect you to read Buggered Craps. We lose two or three good monkeys a week to the trauma, and they only do a page or two each. I am deeply saddened to hear of your suffering, but I feel I must warn you that the postman may indeed be part of a secret mafia. It’s the kind of nightmare that poor Julian has suffered on numerous occasions.

  6. Welshnot, Ross is his intern. Here is his interview with Julian for Swansea radio by Ross, this is quite funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuVh7FImUUY

    • I had no idea there were so many illiterate people in Swansea. Research is needed on how it is possible for anyone to read more than a page of Julian’s effusions without feeling their gorge rise.

      • Unfortunately I received a copy of Inheritance Shafted for my birthday. Read 30 pages. Descriptions of ‘gazing arrogant moons’ got to me. A profound affect. Mrs Thomas you are now part of the Prat-thian, Taffy Taliban illiterati, in cahoots with me and Richard Davies, planning our next bully boy tactics. How does that feel?˙¬ 

      • DAMN those arrogant moons and their gazing! Can a man have no peace?

      • Mrs Penn-Thomas

        Am I in cahoots now? Oh dear… though I am sure it will all be worth it if Mr Ruck gives me a rather witty nickname. All I have had so far is “Mrs Penn-Thomas”, which resulted in a momentary existential crisis forcing me to check my utility bills to ensure I really was who I said I was. Unfortunately, I had burnt them all along with an effigy of the postman.

  7. No, quite frankly. I was in Waterstones the other day, getting some ideas for my new year reading list. Thankfully there was no Ruck in the shop to contaminate the ambience. I don’t think he sells anywhere mind. The future of literature is solely in unedited self published e-books is it Julian? Erm…




    You would think, being Christmas and all, people would be buying Ragged Miffs and Inheritance Tossed? But they are not.

    But Julian thinks Welsh people do not know what e-books are, as he revealed to D.M Bentley, man of means.


    Julian’s spelling mistakes are amazing, why don’t you read over your blog and edit it Jules, like most writers? Thoughts?

  8. Mrs Penn-Thomas,
    Yes, I’m afraid our Julian has a bone to pick with Penny Thomas at Seren since it was Seren that rejected his book – though he has claimed he never submitted to any Welsh publishers. Ah well, this is our fearless Julian at work, taking on all comers, crusading for the truth (when he isn’t telling porkies, plagiarising, self-reviewing on amazon or writing execrable prose).

    • Mrs Penn-Thomas

      Dear Mr W.Not

      Well it is nice to see Mr Ruck got his ‘facts’ straight before banishing me to the outer wilderness. He is such a stickler for getting his facts straight.

      And may I say how lovely it is to meet you at long last. I think Mr Ruck must hold you in particular esteem. He never stops talking about you.

      Mrs Penn-Thomas

  9. welshnot

    Nice to make contact Mrs P-T. I think our Jewelian has a little obsession with all of us, but if he’s starting to block you as well then you must have hit one of his famous, and famously-tender, nerves.
    He’s doing a bit of a ‘prophet in the wilderness’ turn today, with his latest attack on BBC, Western mail, Audit office, Huw Lewis and sundry other villains he accuses of ‘Welsh Zionism’ (what???). I take it the audit office has told him to shove his axe-grinding accusations where the sun refuses to shine.
    Oh well,there’s the Llanelli Star he can still pass of a few plagiarised paragraphs to.

  10. welshnot

    In the interests of transparency, I insert here a comment I left on Julian’s ‘real’ blog which doubtless will not be published. I leave it here for posterity:

    “Enough, enough enough” indeed Julian. Enough accusations and smears – now we’d like to see the proof that these words – corruption, nepotism, etc – are in fact well-founded. So far you haven’t actually found any evidence of impropriety either in the administration or the awarding of grants. You’ve furnished no evidence, just figures, none of which are hidden. You’ve lied about having an agent, you’ve lied about never having submitted to a Welsh publisher (you’ve submitted to 2 that I know of, and perhaps more), you’ve claimed to sell thousands of copies, pretended to be at the Bridport festival (you were not), and the list is endless.
    I think you’ve got off pretty lightly, given how many people you’ve smeared.
    I take it the audit office told you where to go? I imagine they’ve checked a few of the claims you’ve made about yourself and found you to be a less than honest man.
    PS – ‘Welsh Zionism’? what do you mean by that? Is it a phrase from Christopher Hitchens?

  11. welshnot

    Sorry monkeys – Julian spells it Hitchin or Hitchins, depending. Maybe as a ruse to throw us off the plagiarism trail.

  12. welshnot

    Here is my latest addition to Julian’s website – he’s started the new year with a bang: this time it’s Welsh radio, and this time it’s personal…

    I’m not sure what relevance the issue of Radio Cymru’s dispute with musicians has to your accusations of corruption, skulduggery etc in anglo-Welsh publishing. You’re flailing about from one reactionary position to another. I’m not a Welsh speaker, though I have observed your own bigoted and nasty comments about Welsh, and have observed your attempt to censor reminders of them on this blog.
    The fact remains that you have clearly decided to accept comment this new year, and I applaud that.
    So here are my question:
    1 – why did you claim to have an agent when you do not? and why did you claim it in the Kidwelly press kit when you know perfectly well you did not then?
    2 – why have you claimed never to have submitted to a Welsh publisher, when you have submitted to Welsh publishers? You were turned down by Seren in 2009, as you know. Is that why you harbour such a grudge against them? and if not, why claim you never submitted?
    3 – you accuse writers of being corrupt and nepotistic, but you have never once provided proof of this. All you have done is point out – easily discoverable because you don’t need to use FOIs as it’s all in the Lit Wales reports, etc – that money goes to the arts, in this case literature, to fund writing and writers and publishers. It happens in England, Scotland, Ireland (where writers get tax breaks…) and everywhere in Europe.
    4 – But your grudge is against Welsh writers. Why? Because you feel hard done by because no-one wants your books. I can’t blame them – you write appallingly, and you’re welcome to self-publish as a last resort, but not to smear individuals who are creative and ambitious and whose work is assessed by peer review.
    5 – If you find evidence of corruption – I mean evidence – show us. So far all you’ve done is accuse others, but as I said, where is the evidence of corruption (a big and serious word)?
    6 – This is why the various people you’ve written to – audit office, Huw Lewis, MPs, AMs – have given you a wide berth: they know you’re an attention-seeking chipmaster who is driven by envy, and is lashing out at other because his festival was a humiliation and his books have been turned down.
    7 – You also plagiarised Christopher Hitchens, and plagiarism is an appalling thing for a professional writer to do. It shows contempt for the craft and your fellow writers.
    8 – whatever happened to Catherine Zeta Jones’s role in the film of your novel? Or is that just another Ruck fantasy?

    I read your talk at the Chapter, and there is simply no proof that any of the money given to Welsh writing was improperly given or corruptly dispensed. Just a list of people and what they got. I could do that for art, music, dance, opera, and allege corruption, but I would have the decency to prove it. You don’t.

    Prove your allegations Julian.

    I personally believe in funding for all the arts, because I believe the arts are a source of added value, and in my daily life as a teacher I see their benefits. If arts money were improperly dispensed or corruptly got, I’d be interested, but until you furnish proof that it is you will look like a bitter, axe-grinding reject. Your only supporters are your ex-intern and serial grumbler Gillian B.

    Thank you for posting this.

  13. welshnot

    Let me also add some more:

    You attack Welsh arts council funding for writers and publishers, and have claimed that it doesn;t happen in England. Not true: independent publishers such as Bloodaxe (who publish RS Thomas) and Carcanet (who publish Gillian Clarke, Robert Minhinnick etc) are funded by Arts council England with far more money than Seren, for instance. As are publishers like Arc, Shearsman, and many , many others. Recently, Faber and Faber received arts council money to find new talent, and they’re a totally commercial enterprise. You deliberately blocked my comments relating to this in your blog. You claim that writers in England don;t get bursaries, but as you know full well they do: they get residencies and writing time funded, and many organisations such as Poet in the City are funded by the arts council to put on readings and events. I know, I send my pupils to many of their events, and ‘writer in residence’ positions are more often than not funded by grants. You claimed Owen Sheers was never helped by grant money, but when I corrected you you simply blocked me, but allowed a nasty personal comment by ‘Literature Wales’ (another site that blocks comments after smearing individuals) against Sheers in its place.
    All of this information is freely available in arts council reports and in the reports of the publishers who account for how they have spent the money. Your FOI requests are a diversion from the fact that the information is freely available anyway.
    So what is you beef against literature funding in Wales? Wales is doing what everywhere else does, you just don’t like it because you haven’t benefited from it, though you have tried.
    Why not fess up, and deal with the fact that , as in all situations where money is distributed , there will be winners and there will be losers? Sometimes it may be, or feel, unfair, but that’s a far cry from a conspiracy of corruption. But if there is corruption, prove it: find us some evidence of misappropriated funds and nepotistic awarding practices.

    • Mrs Penn-Thomas

      Truth is that far from being motivated by any concern for the taxpayer, or for the quality of literature in Wales, Mr Ruck reveals himself more and more as being politically motivated. Could we not club together to buy his house so that he can move back to England? Or kidnap him and dump him in Russia. He’ll shake them up a bit in Russia. He could end up as a dissident writer thenand share a stage with Pussy Riot.

  14. welshnot

    PS – has anything come of Julian calling the police on your fake blog? He gave us the incident number but I fear PC ap Plod isn’t making this a top priority…

  15. Dog Woman

    This is hilarious! I’ve just found this blog with some delight! I found Mr Fuck to be completely up himself many months back after a canine confrontation. What a silly old ponce! Just listened to his wafflings on BBC Radio2 Jeremy Vine show, searched to check it was indeed he, and up you lot popped! made my day!

    • Welcome to the game! Are you THE dog woman? Didn’t Jules actually write something about you? It is a privilege and a delight to welcome you to our little monkey-driven homage site.

      • Dog Woman

        YES! IT IS I! Deeply honoured (no, bored) to be the subject of the author’s weekly column/drivel a few weeks back in the Llanelli Star – not that you’d recognise me AT ALL, or my dogs, from his description of us. Plus, he neglected to mention in his summary that he told me to fuck off! I felt a bit sorry for him realising that this (our second) confrontation was the most exciting thing to have happened to him in that week – I suppose he doesn’t get out much (or at least in the hours of daylight, hence my suspicion the recent piles of turd on the pavements of Kidwelly are his. Well, his dogs’).

      • You’ve no idea the excitement this has caused at the unfortunately named Fuck Towers. I’ve had to clout several of the monkeys to get them back to work. We are not in the least bit surprised to hear that he is as foul (and foul-mouthed) in the flesh as he likes to be online – he is very clearly no gentleman, and when a monkey judges you to be less than a gentleman, you are doing particularly poorly.

        The monkeys are threatening to strike if I don’t let them go and do some DNA testing on the turds of Kidwelly.

  16. welshnot

    The only comment of mine Julian has allowed on his blog was when I took the pseudonym Paul Davies and wrote “Martin Luther King and Julian Ruck – henceforth those two names will be spoken in the same breath by all who care about the truth”.
    Not only did he leave it up, but he thanked me for it.
    Is there a more ridiculous character alive today?
    PS – I think this blog needs updating, as our Julian/MLK is on one hell of a roll and very amusing these days.

  17. welshnot

    Ah John, good to make contact – Julian is decidedly good at bringing people together. I’ve met a lot of fine people through being a fan of Julian’s.
    The saddest thing is that, now that he knows I did it, the poor bugger has taken it down. Quite extraordinary. The man doesn’t know where to turn and is so up himself he can’t even see when you’re taking the piss.
    I am sending one now comparing him to Jesus. Let’s see how that one goes down.

  18. welshnot

    I added this today – needless to say our Julian (‘sour Julian’ surely?) hasn’t published it:

    “Quick question Julian: if you think Gwyneth lewis getting arts council money to write invalidates her defence of writers, then doesn’t your rejection by Seren and Parthian in 2009/10 invalidate your attack on them. You claim people should declare their interest, so declare yours: you’re a serial reject form Welsh and UK publishers and agents, and you’ve turned your bitterness on those who succeed.
    Don’t be a coward Julian, publish this.
    Martin Luther King would!
    Can I be your intern?”

  19. welshnot

    Here’s one I left on his blog earlier – he won’t publish it of course

    Quick question Julian: if you think Gwyneth lewis getting arts council money to write invalidates her defence of writers, then doesn’t your rejection by Seren and Parthian in 2009/10 invalidate your attack on them.
    Don’t be a coward Julian, publish this.
    Martin Luther King would!

    • The Paul Davies comment was a comic highlight. It’s particularly delightful that Jules has since taken it down – it shows he must still be logging in here from time to time, which ought to inspire the monkeys to return to work after their post-Christmas slumbers…

      • Dog Woman

        Awww, is it only me who feels a bit sorry for him? I know he’s a twat and all that, from personal experience even before you consider his published rudeness and pomposity, but he’s quite a sorry little figure really, don’t you think? Mind you, if I find out it’s him who’s been taking his dogs out early/late at night and letting them crap all over the pavements I’ll feel a bit differently. Is that you, Mr Fuck? I’m on to you!

      • No, quite a few of the monkeys say they feel a kind of lingering pity for him – but they’re Welsh monkeys, and they feel hurt by association every time he says something spiteful about Wales, so their pity isn’t enough to stop them from the glorious work of revealing Julian’s ‘talents’ as a ‘writer’ to the world.

        Some of them are willing to come and hurl dog shit at his windows, if you can show them photographic evidence that it belongs to him. In fact, one or two of the cheekier ones say they’re willing to come round and throw his own books at his windows, on the frivolous grounds that the books most certainly belong to him, and are broadly similar in nature to the little accidents in which you’ve been stepping.

  20. welshnot

    Yes, that’s true – he must log on here every day with assiduity.
    I certainly think this homage site provides a valuable service to fans of Julian, and I’d be very happy to contribute and take on some of the workload. Especially now that the American civil rights movement is involved.

  21. What an extremely sad, desperate and lonely individual you are.

    You merit no further comment.

    Julian Ruck

  22. Oh, Julian, you have no idea how my heart yearns for loneliness – for the joy of even half an hour undisturbed by the clamour of the masses.

    You, meanwhile, swear at ladies and abuse commas. You are no gentleman, sir. I call on you, once again, to leave the commas (and ladies!) alone.

  23. Let’s see how brave, malicious and vindictive you all are with the police, without your shields of anonymity.

    The wheel always, always turns full circle.

    Julian Ruck

    • Puppy

      Do my eyes deceive me or is this a further comment?

    • Have the police been abusing commas and calling themselves best-selling authors?! Great jumping monkeys. If they have, I will certainly waste no time in condemning them, rest assured. Meanwhile, my most sincere thanks to you for driving such wonderful levels of traffic to this blog; by helping with our Google rank, by publishing in local media, it’s all too kind for words.

    • Wrong use of an apostrophe there Julian, followed by an incorrect comma! If you insist on writing can you do it properly please? Pretty please?

  24. Dog Woman

    I’m brave! Just as well really, as it looks like my cover may have been blown……………..I’m not malicious or vindictive though – just playful! Anyway, Mr Fuck, you’ve been more threatening and ruder to me than I have been about you. You’ve scared me (and my dogs) with your mean looking pit-bull-type off-lead out-of-control dog – TWICE; made out I’m some ridiculous posh and stuck up old broad in your Llanelli Star column, and to add insult to injury, told me to fuck off! All I’ve done is call you a knob. Or was it a twat? Might have been bell-end, come to think of it……………… or maybe dick-head……..

    • Puppy

      Maybe everyone should publish a post revealing themselves – literally! Sort of Calender Girls (and boys) style, covering ourselves with Julian’s novels

      • Dog Woman

        Yes well I’ll be bent over, turning back to the camera, looking coy but surprised – caught in a very dirty act indeed……………picking up dog turd.

      • Dog Woman

        Mind you – where would I place the novel? No hands free – how about clenched between my bare buttocks?

      • Madam, my monkeys and I salute you. (Don’t worry, they’re imaginary, so no need to call the police). I can promise you that would be a particularly apt location for any of the books in question.

      • As if we’re not suffering enough visitors with Julian’s tireless media promotion of our humble jewels…!

    • Out of all of Julian’s unpleasantries, telling a woman walking her dogs to fuck off is actually the one that offends me most. Yes, even more than what he does to commas. He is deeply lacking in both style and substance, and on occasions like this looks like nothing more than a pompous and stupid bully.

  25. Too funny, my house got raided by 100000 South AP Wales Police, Bad Writing division this morning. I said I was very naughty and they gave me the Rugged Muffs trilogy, as I said I had run out of bog roll.

    • Now there is a copper-bottomed gold-plated waste of taxpayers’ money. An FOI request to find out just how much police money and time Julian has wasted will certainly be in order when the jamboree is over.

  26. Dog Woman

    Just back from being abroad – I fled the country to escape the fuzz. No that’s not quite true – I was on hols. No sign of the cops – but Mr Fuck got a front page mention on the Llanelli Star. He makes out he’s threatened for being outspoken. Tch! That sounds so noble, doesn’t it? And incidentally, don’t be offended on my behalf about being told to fuck off. I’m pretty thick-skinned when it comes to verbal abuse – only words, after all – “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”. it’s his mean-looking dog I’m more worried about.

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