Much is explained: Julian Ruck isn’t a reader, either

Several of the monkeys have started enjoying themselves by looking for different Google search terms that return a link to this humble blog; slightly silly, indeed, but they get so little fun hunched over their keyboards that we don’t have the heart to stop them. As a result, so far two very wonderful things have happened.

First of all, they discovered that we have had a visitor searching on the term ‘What the fuck is shandy?’. The monkeys claim that this is one of the highlights of their careers to date, and want us to make it clear to anyone else who arrives here after searching for that term that shandy is in fact beer mixed with lemonade. As we’ve said previously, we live to serve.

Secondly, and perhaps more startlingly, we’ve discovered one of Julian Ruck’s fundamental problems in his ambitious attempts to become a writer. No, he doesn’t actually read.

In this remarkable post, he reveals that he doesn’t believe that many people have read ‘every word’ of ‘War and Peace’ or ‘The Lord of the Rings’, that he gave up after the first fifty pages, and that most people ‘only have them on their bookshelves to make themselves look clever anyway’.

Since the two books in question are so remarkably different, we can only presume that Julian’s literary analysis of them is effectively: ‘They’re long. People have heard of them.’ It almost beggars belief that Julian thinks anyone would have an unread copy of ‘The Lord of the Rings’ on a bookshelf in order to ‘look clever’. In fact, Julian, it’s more or less the other way round: ‘The Lord of the Rings’ has spent much of its life as a massive favourite amongst American college students, which means a) it gets read (as massive favourites tend to) and b) it doesn’t make anyone look particularly clever.

We should feel sorry for Julian – if he moves in circles where people think having a copy of ‘The Lord of the Rings’ makes you look clever, it’s no wonder his own attempts at writing are so impoverished.

We don’t, though. Feel sorry for Julian, that is.

Why ever not?! we hear you cry.

Because he found the first fifty pages of ‘War and Peace’ boring. He thinks that one of the most remarkable achievements in literature was boring. No doubt Tolstoy would be more to Julian’s taste if he formed plurals with commas and used the term ‘oral orifices’ more often.

Tip for the day: if you’re not a reader, don’t expect to be a writer.

If you’d like to become a writer, the very first thing you need to do is read widely.

If you’d like to become a better writer, there are lots of things you can do – but one of the most important is, yes, read even more widely.

And if you haven’t read ‘War and Peace’ yet, go and do so; it will enrich you.

Oh, and please, for heaven’s sake, don’t put any copies of ‘The Lord of the Rings’ on your bookshelves in the hope that it will make people think you’re clever. If you want something long and impressive, you’d be better off with the OED.

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14 Comments

Filed under The Society for the Preservation of Commas

14 responses to “Much is explained: Julian Ruck isn’t a reader, either

  1. Have you been leaving messages of support to yourself on your blog and pass them off as someone else? http://julianruck.wordpress.com/2012/08/18/kidwell-efestival-and-beyond/#comment-922

  2. If you do not take this abusive,conterfeit and defamatory blog down immediately then you must answer for the consequences. Both civil and criminal.

    I do not make idle threats.

    Julian Ruck

    • Something told us it wouldn’t be all that long before you resorted to threatening behaviour, old bean!

      Do please feel free to be more specific regarding which sections of the blog you would like to see removed, and why. We will of course respond reasonably to any reasonable requests.

  3. Good job it was the ‘u’ he omitted from ‘counterfeit’ and not the ‘o’!

    I wonder what criminal liabilities you will face exactly? s5 Public Order Act 1986 perhaps???

  4. Well he will have to sue the owner of the Kidwelly White Lion pub next after she said in the local paper that she didn’t know that the festival was happening!

  5. Dear Mr Williams,
    Get your facts right.

    G K. B.

  6. PS I am Mr Williams, “myself” on this blog.Who else might I be, ‘aluneurig’ – ear wig – is that ?
    Grow up and get a life….why don’t you, dear?

  7. You are Mr Williams, Gill?! Or are you perhaps missing a comma? I’d suggest you ask your friend Julian Ruck about commas, but I don’t think he’s very fond of them either.

  8. welshnot

    As someone who regularly gets their comments blocked by Julian, when I am doing is revealing a few odd inconsistencies in his self-descriptions, plus a correcting a few of his assertions, I would love to see this homage site become a place for those of us to whom Julian is the new Messiah to swap observations about his love of truth, his manly rough handling of punctuation, and his wholly un-self-interested attacks on other writers.

    A writer of his stature needs a fan site, and since he is too modest to publish our own comments, perhaps someone else will.

    • A marvellous idea, sir – my monkeys and I salute you. It may even inspire us to find the time for a little more lit crit on the artist formerly known as one of the best selling authors in Wales. Speaking of which, I wonder how long it will take before he starts referring to himself as one of the best selling authors in England?! I know he’s already claimed to sell more downloads than David Hewson – it’s hard to understand why publishing houses aren’t beating a track to chez Julian Ruck to ask him to write novels for successful television series.

      Actually, no, I take that back, it’s not all that hard. Publishing houses tend to be fussy about literacy.

  9. welshnot

    Well, perhaps I can start by sending you, which you can post as blog pieces if you wish, some of the comments I’ve sent that Julian has blocked? None of them are libellous , all are literate and well-punctuared, and they mostly consist of questions and corrections to his rather liberal interpretation of a ‘fact’, as well as some good nature grammatical assistance.
    Since Julian is also a little amnesiac, I’ve helped him to remember a little of the background to his claim not to be anti-Welsh by providing some examples of anti-Welsh comments he has made. This is not in order to question his honesty, but simply to refresh his memory, you understand.
    As regards your observation about selling downloads, I can point you to the hugely useful NovelRank site which computes the number of books sold – in paper form or as e-books and kindle downloads – via amazon.co.uk and amazon.com. According to this, Mr Ruck has sold 0 copies of his latest novel, The Blenched Briefs, in October and September, and November looks like a nice clean sheet too.
    Perhaps David Hewson has sold -1, but I doubt it.
    Perhaps Julian can correct us here?

  10. welshnot

    ‘well-punctuared’, I’m very sorry: I meant ‘well-punctuated’. I’ve spent too long in Julian’s fictional universe.

  11. welshnot

    Here is a post to Julian’s website that he has blocked:

    I’ll be at your talk Julian, with a flier comparing your allegations about yourself (that you’ve never approached Welsh publishers) with evidence that you have, and are in fact telling porkies, with some of your choice anti-Welsh comments and some questions about your sales figures, ‘agent’ etc.

    I hope you’ll give me the chance to speak. My own FOI emails to Welsh publishers reveal that you’ve approached at least two of them. I have asked them for the correspondence pertaining to your rejection, because I’m sure it’s entertaining!

    I’ve also sent some of these corrections to the Auditor General and the political representatives you have written to with your allegations. My point to them comes in two parts: you’ve told untruths about yourself, and you’ve alleged corruption against others that you cannot prove.

    Publish this Julian, don’t disappoint us.

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