Help! Julian is being oppressed by tyrants!

It falls to us to report, with heavy hearts, that Julian is far from being gruntled at the moment. And who could blame him? He is facing ‘scurrilous accusations’ from ‘those of a tyrannical bent’:

We are appalled to hear that anyone would stoop so low; it’s like throwing vinegar-soaked sponges at a lame puppy. Let us know who they are, Julian – let us know who has accused you of accepting grants, or of paying your publishers, and we will set every last officer on our monkey farm to the glorious task of shaming them.

It staggers us, frankly, that anyone would believe that Julian might have been in receipt of public money. Could you, gentle reader, believe such an unlikely story? Politicians may have their many and manifold weaknesses, but even they are leery when it comes to funding literary festivals held by people who don’t understand how commas work.

We’ll need a little help with your publishers, though, Jules – Dinefwr Press don’t seem to have a website, and nor do Isis Publishing – and we’ll need some facts to take on Wikipedia, who dare to say that you self-published your first two novels (they probably speak Welsh, oppressive tyrants that they are). Just let us know who paid for ‘Ragged Cliffs’ to be published, and give us verifiable details of the sales figures, and we will rest neither day nor night until we prove that people on the internet are wrong.

Now, back to the important stuff.

You’ve read our earlier comments about commas, haven’t you, Julian? Try to practice by writing a few different examples of each of the points we touched upon, and if you have any questions, fire away – we’ll be happy to help.

We know you’re still struggling with interrupting phrases, because there’s another one in your latest blog post: ‘Which I must stress, is a damn sight more than can be said for 99.9% of other ‘Welsh’ published titles.’ Leaving aside your bold claim to be selling more than 99.9% of ‘Welsh’ writers (aren’t you really Welsh? Why the inverted commas?), we’d just like to point out that ‘I must stress’ is another of these pesky interrupting phrases – so you need a comma before it as well as after. ‘Which, I must stress, is…’

And while we’re tidying things up, you don’t need an apostrophe for ‘coteries’, because it’s a plural, not a possessive. You don’t form plurals with apostrophes, Julian. In fact, we’d go so far as to say that while you do form plurals with apostrophes, you are very unlikely to receive any grants.


P.S. Neither Welsh Books Council nor Literature Wales will defend their case? Are you sure about that, Julian? You must have missed Lleucu Siencyn:

Easy to miss, no doubt – it was on the second page of the article about your ‘speech’ – you probably didn’t read that far, did you?


Leave a comment

Filed under The Society for the Preservation of Commas

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s