Spoilt for choice

[Jewels from Page 4]

Now the brief introduction with its unpleasant ‘punishment rape’ is over, Julian really gets into his stride.  From here on, we’ll be spoilt for choice!

Her beauty ignored the morbid background of the ancient and neglected cemetery.  No it didn’t – beauty is an abstract noun, it can’t go around ignoring things.  Maybe it made other people ignore the cemetery?  Even then, what does that actually mean?  Did they wander around tripping over gravestones?  If it made them stare at Lise, then say that, for heaven’s sake.

Her unsure blue eyes and long, almost white, soft hair remained uncorrupted by the grief of black clothing that she wore and the sin of death that surrounded her.  Apparently no-one ever told Julian that you can have too many adjectives (particularly when they’re so boring – long, soft hair?  Yawn).  Her hair remained ‘uncorrupted’?  Eh?  Does most people’s hair start to go mouldy and fall off when they walk into a cemetery?  And the ‘sin of death’ – what?  Why is it a sin?  Is this actually Julian writing, or has he outsourced it to a monkey farm?

Breasts, hips, arms and legs had all been put together by a divine genius.  She blasted the eyes.  Well, it’s good to have the checklist so we know she’s got all the bits people are meant to have – without it, we’ve have been worrying that she was a hip short here or a breast short there.  But she did what to the eyes?  Blasted them?  Sounds painful.  We’d guess that no-one in the history of English literature has ever used that particular verb in that particular way – and no, Jules, that’s not a good thing.  They’re right, and you’re wrong.  Blast your eyes, indeed – it works for Captain Haddock, but he’s not using it in quite the same way, you see, Jules.

In spite of this, the Warrior Queen deep inside her remained passionate and alert.  Oh dear, we’ve accidentally fallen into a comic book!  Help!

The minister finished reading from the Book of Revelations and rushed back to his chapel of fire and brimstone.  Armageddon was an impatient Master, besides it was starting to rain and he hadn’t brought an umbrella.  Can it get much worse than this?  [Yes.  Ed.]  Another poor, abused comma which ought to be replaced by a semi-colon so that the comma could go after ‘besides’, where it is actually needed.  A random piece of capitalisation for ‘master’ – and a frankly bizarre image of a minister actually running away from a cemetery, which is about as believable as a twelve pound note.  Honestly, Jules, don’t give up the day job.  Oh, sorry, what’s that?  You already have?  Oops.

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